End of the Year letter, 2004

This year has continued to keep us on our toes, but luckily with joyful surprises and manageable challenges. Our biggest news happened this September when we were thrilled to find out that we’d be making Lily a big sister next May. Our kids should be 23 months apart; this is simultaneously terrifying and exciting. We’ll try to keep you posted, but have no idea what it will be like to have an energetic toddler and a newborn at the same time, so bear with us!

Here are a few more highlights from 2004:

In February we bought the most awesome home we could imagine. We’re only 15 minutes from downtown yet feel like we live in the country. Sitting on two lush acres, our home is a unique space with outdoor living a big part of the design. It needs a lot of work (hence the emergency re-roofing we had to do in October after gnarly rains) but we’re young, so what the heck! We’re planning a small addition next year and are blessed to have the original architect in on the project. The place is a perpetual mess, but you’re welcome to come by anytime!

We celebrated Lily’s first birthday in June with a huge carrot cake made by Grandma Janis and a great party at our new home. Family and friends hung out on our deck in the sunshine while Lily wondered, “What’s the hubbub about?” We also got to enjoy hanging out with new nephew Liam, born to Elaine’s brother and sister-in-law in April. Matt and Michele have a happy boy who is a delight and we miss them terribly since their move to Omaha, Nebraska in September.

The day after Lily’s birthday we ripped out our termite and wood rot infested deck. We have been living with the gaping hole ever since and are looking forward to the remodel so we can have our wonderful deck back. We’re even looking forward to incorporating in a hot tub. Mark’s brother Steve, who recently purchased a new house, has decided he didn’t want the hot tub it came with and is generously gifting it to us! Parties at our house will never be the same again. Thanks, Steve!!

In late July we decided to hit the road for a 2 1/2 week road trip. We drove up the coast and came home via Yosemite. We stayed with friends, family or in our VW camper van and we had a great time. Lily slept in many odd places (including a closet) and we had time to talk about what we wanted for our future. One of the big discoveries was that Elaine wanted to go back to work full time while Mark wanted to be a stay-at-home dad. Shortly after we made this realization, Elaine was offered a job at The Old Globe that actually made this shift possible. We’ve been adjusting to our new roles and are trying to decide how things will change once we have the new baby. One day at a time, my friends!

Lily enjoyed her first Halloween as a dog. She picked the costume herself and loved barking at it, at people and all around the block we trick-or-treated on. She would march right up to a door, bang on it with her pumpkin basket, and grin wildly at people as they delivered the goods. She even tried to share with a parent who bent down to tell her how cute she was. Mark and Elaine enjoyed eating the candy since Lily just thought it was a toy (and we encouraged that belief). It was a blast.

We spent Thanksgiving up at Uncle Bob’s and Aunt Betty’s cabin on Palomar Mountain where we introduced Lily to sledding (BIG hit), a hay ride (acceptable after a small protest cry), and the family turkey insanity (our toddler eats like a Tasmanian Devil!). We’re heading up North to visit with Mark’s clan for Christmas/New Years and will keep our fingers crossed for snow. We’ve also decided to sponsor a family in need this year rather than buying our very comfortable friends and family meaningless gifts. It’s so easy to forget what the holidays are really about and let ourselves get overwhelmed by the massive consumerism. What’s another sweater for dad when you know someone who can’t even afford groceries? It’s out of control! So, that’s the plan.

Overall it’s been another good year. We are rich in family, friends and laughter, three things we have found to be more important than just about anything else. We hope this letter finds you and yours happy, healthy and in good spirits and we look forward to another year in your company.

Lots of Love,
Elaine, Mark, Lily and the little bean

lame

Felt the first movements of the new bean the other day (the 19th). Just a flutter from the inside, nothing that could be felt on the outside. I actually got excited and phoned Mark, Allyn and Vikki. Getting bigger all the time. We need to do another photo, but are rather lame about that.

We're actually lame about a lot of things. The latest is paperwork. I'm flying with Lily on Saturday and I need to present proof of her age. Birth certificate would be brilliant if we could FIND IT! We can't, and of course we didn't realize it until late today. The county office where we could get a new one is closed tomorrow. Figures. So I called the airline and asked what other forms of ID/age I can use. Hospital discharge papers will work. Too bad we didn't give birth in a hospital. OK, well vaccine records are appropriate. GREAT, except that she's had no vaccines. We're going to bring the Birth Center records and hope they accept that as valid. We had to search through PILES and PILES and PILES of random paperwork just to find those records. Thus the lame comment. It's amazing how much paper is in this house. Seriously, it's scary. Someday I'm just going to burn it all. Now, just to be clear, this is not an invitation to the fire gods to just set the fire themselves... I promise that I'll invoke them at the proper time. No need to do this without me!

OK, must get some sleep and awake to a crazy Christmas Eve day. Cheers.

Therapy on the cheap.

Lily has a new word. Yesterday morning she asked me to pick her up and then threw her arms around my neck and said "bay-be, bay-be, baby!" She then toddled over to the dog and did the same thing, so I guess it's not a new special name for me. Today at my moms she found a picture of a baby in the paper and pointed it out for my mom, saying "baby!" all over again. My mom was thrilled.

On that note, my mom is messing with my kid in a twisted attempt to get back at her mom. Hey, she admitted it! You see, Lily is very particular. She likes things to be a certain way, to be done a certain way and things BELONG where they belong. Very much like my Grandmother. When Lil arrives at my moms, she usually heads straight for the go-to-hell-room where her highchair is stored. It gets dragged out to the kitchen and she gets a snack. Today, my mom picked up the highchair and brought it all the way to the living room where we were sitting. She then stuck Lily in it and grinned at her, exclaiming "that's right, you're in the living room!" This was no good. No good at all. I mean, the chair clearly belongs in the kitchen. That's where it goes! She turned to her grandpa to save her and he did... as my mom laughed and admitted she was getting back at her own mom for being so particular.

Nice to know that becoming a grandmother has given her the opportunity to work through her own issues with her mom!

Just let her play with the nails!

Our girl fills our life with smiles and often, bouts of uncontrollable laughter. She's an odd duck, but she's our quacker and we love every minute of her. She insists on having her foot held while she nurses... seriously, this is an imperative. She uses "hello" like Aloha. It is one of the few words she uses correctly, except for that it also means goodbye. She's working on it and her babbling is becoming more like our speech patterns everyday.

Oh, and you'll appreciate this one: Lily has a crib and a big bed in her room and this morning we were all cuddling in the bed. She slips off and starts roaming around while Mark and I enjoy some time together. Next thing we know, she's reappeared with a box of nails clutched to her chest like they are the most precious things she has ever discovered. She wouldn't let us take them away and well... how much damage could she do with a box of nails and no hammer, anyway? So we let her play with them. Only in a carpenter’s home would a child fall in love with a box of nails. We did draw the line at taking them to bed with her, so hey, we're still good parents, right?

She's a blast.

As for news on our plus one, I had my first midwife appointment yesterday and it went very well. I am measuring where I should for our weeks and feeling well. I was reminded about the importance of eating more veggies and taking a walk everyday... a couple of things I am less than stellar about. I really like our midwife and am pleased we have decided to birth at home. It will be a bit insane as we are talking about being in the midst of a remodel at that time, but hey, what's like without a little chaos?

We have also finalized our plans for holiday travel. Lily and I depart via plane on the 25th to be picked up by Steve in Sacramento. From there, he will give us a lift to Zacco's for Christmas dinner. Mark will be driving up with Maya and will meet us there for dinner. Then onto Heidi's for a couple of days. We fly/drive home on New Year’s Day, just in time for Mark to leave for a gig in Palm Springs. I don't know yet if we'll go with him or stay here. Depends on... lots of stuff. But at least we have a plan!

Growing belly! 15 weeks, four days along and we're starting to look preggo! YAY!

Lily's first sled ride. Not much snow left on the ground, but we found a patch big enough to ride. She had a BLAST and kept asking to go again and again. It was a nice gift for Thanksgiving.

Mark and Lily have some music time in the mornings and this morning, Lily was a little tired. Mark looked away fro a few moments and came back to find her passed out, moracas in hand.

back when I was sane...

This pregnancy isn’t really shaping up to be anything like Lily’s. Physically I’m hitting the same milestones at about the same time, but emotionally it’s so different. I am angry a lot of the time; frustrated; over tired; just not a nice person. I’m mad at my husband, for NO reason… or at least, for invented ones. I feel emotionally unhinged, like I don’t know what overwhelming feeling will chose to pour out of me at any given moment; letting laughter turn into tears or a burst of unreasonable anger. It’s NUTS! I know it’s hormonal and I need to just slow down and give myself space to live in it, but it’s exhausting. I actually asked him last night if he was planning to leave this insane wife of his. I said, “No wonder men leave their wives when pregnant.” And he replied with, “yep” and a great round of laughter and hugs, snuggling up to me as I sobbed and laughed all at the same time. Mark says it must be a boy to be giving me so much trouble!

There are a ton of environmental changes for me this time around: I’m working full time, nursing a toddler, living in a new home (that has it’s issues), Mark is at home full time but still trying to take gigs and carpentry jobs here and there, etc, etc. These items alone (and not the gender of our baby) could be providing the emotional challenges I’m experiencing. To be fair, I do know that I could be a LOT more insane than I feel right now. The actual outbursts are few and far between and mostly aimed at my poor husband, meaning I’m able to keep my sanity in polite company. I never had to deal with any serious depression or emotional instability post Lily’s birth, so maybe this is my “payback.” OR, maybe Mark is right and this, my dear, is a boy growing inside me. Only 26 weeks before we find out!

fat pants

We're doing well... too busy, which isn't really a new thing. Lily is on the verge of talking, babbling like crazy and experimenting with her voice all the time. She likes to screech and then smile all big at you. I just screech back at her! My belly is starting to grow and only my "fat pants" fit now. Will try to post a photo soon. Am having a blast pulling out my old maternity clothes and enjoying checking out the stuff friends have passed on. Can't wear it all just yet. Feeling fat. ;)

I have no idea how to help Lily understand about this new baby. She's so young. She can understand when we ask her to do simple things: "Lily, pick up the toy and put it away" or "Put your hat on". But how do you explain the concept of a new child? How do you tell her a baby brother or sister is growing in Mamas tummy and will come to live with is next year? Matt and I are about 22 months apart, so I should ask my mom how she handled it.

Then there's the big question about tandem nursing. Lil is still happy to nurse and I feel she is too young to wean. I know my supply is dropping but so far no major complaints from the girly. When I come home from work she'll run to our chair and bang on it, waiting for me to come scoop her up and cuddle in. I love the reconnect. She is having some latch issues when she switches from one side to the other; I don't know if she being sloppy or what. Other than that, we're doing fine with nursing and I don't see her stopping any time soon so I guess that answers my tandem question! We'll figure it out as we go.

Anyway, that's the latest. I'll ask Mark to take a photo of the ever expanding belly soon and get it online. Cheers!

Lily LOVED trick-or-treating. She would walk up to a door and bang on it, then hold out her pumpkin. When one lady bent down to say Hi, she set down her pumpkin and started handing candy to the lady. She was THRILLED with the whole process. We had a blast.

mosh

I have just been reminded by my MIL that I am a good mother, dammit! In fact, I'm a "twizzle" for thinking different! And she's right, I know I'm a good mom. I know that with me and Mark, Lily's life will be full of possibility, imagination, joy and promise. Do I sometimes get a little crazy? Uh, yeah! I'll blame it all on pregnancy hormones. Everything makes me want to cry and well, sometimes I just go for it!

On another note, Eminem( that's right, you heard me) has a new video out right now, that you might want to see... mosh. A bold political move on the eve of the election. The man is forming an army of angry young people and telling them the way to battle is to... VOTE! I love it. And while I'm not a big fan of the artist I am deeply impressed with what this video does to mobilize young people to vote (and since I agree that Bush needs to go...).

OK, in need to breakfast. Thank you, Heidi for the reminder and go check out the video!

Go to bed, silly head.

Feeling a little better today. Mark nudged me into a good cry by wrapping his arms around me and asking, "are you OK?" We talked some and I sobbed some and we're all OK. Just need to give myself space to be what I am and what he is and what Lil is... etc. Part of me is mourning that I'm not Lily's favorite these days. But she spends all of her time with Mark, so of course he's the bomb. And Mark pointed out that he's been putting Lily to bed since she was two-months-old, so she's used to having her dad to tuck her in. With me, she wants to play and have contact and be silly. Not to good for getting the girly to bed, eh? So I take a deep breath, move forward and try to remember what it is to just be.

My life is good. My life is amazing. Remind me of that when I freak out.

suck it up.

I can't do this. I am totally being swallowed up by my obsessive guilt over my inability to parent. I don't know what Lily needs, and yet, Mark takes one look at her and can figure it out. I spend a whole day with her and I feel worn out and frustrated from not knowing what to do. I am allowing my need for food to supersede her needs, finding myself saying "Mommy NEEDS to eat!" How am I going to do this with two? What happened to maternal instinct or intuition or the special bond a mother has with her kids? I'm just the lady with the num nums most of the time. Daddy is the coolest guy in the world. Mark can handle all of it and I am feeling more and more like a loser for even feeling this way. Is my daughter going to look back at this and think I'm a total idiot? Will she maybe be going through the same thing with her own children? Will she turn out to be the best mom in the world and just think I couldn't have loved her enough?

Every time I think like this, I just tell myself to suck it up. Get yourself on track and do your job, you big whiner. But I feel like I am drowning here. I have fleeting moments where I actually think of running away. Where? I donno. But somewhere where I can just sit and be adequate. Maybe that's why I'm enjoying being back at work. At least at the Globe, I know my shit.

But then. But then. But then I look back over the last year and a half and I see this amazingly beautiful, smart, funny, happy kid and I know I can't be doing this all wrong. I know that a lot of her fabulousness has to do with having a great father, but some of it... it has to come from me, right? If I was a total loser, it would show on her.

I just have to find some peace with this. I just have to figure out how to be a mom, whatever that means to me. I have to stop trying to live outside of this moment. I have to accept that I am deeply flawed and am growing another human being, while trying to rear another one. Despite the fact that Mark is not the kind to coddle, and in fact, would probably just tell me in his matter-of-fact way to suck it up, I am weak right now. I am tired and hormonal and I am doing a level of molecular biology that he will NEVER be able to do. I have to not allow myself to feel guilt over needing things. I have to realize that it's ok to be weak sometimes; I don't always have to be the tomboy.

I'm just so... so... defeated right now. I am just so... so... afraid of screwing this all up. I remember when I was in labor with Lily, I turned to Mark and I said "I can't do this!" and he told me that I already was. I can't do this. And yet, I am. How do you make peace with that? How do you DO this? And why can’t I figure it out?

More than just me

I had forgotten how once you are carrying a new baby, your life ceases to be your own. Suddenly, every single decision you make about your body profoundly impacts another being... a child you can't wait to hold in your arms. Shall I have a Chai Tea Latte? Well, seeing how caffeine restricts blood flow to a developing fetus, I'm going to have to say no. Sure, it probably wouldn't hurt to have one every once in a while, but do I really want to test the theory? I'm still occasionally agonizing over the fact that I had a couple of drinks before I knew I was pregnant. I am more afraid of having a car accident... one worse than the simple fender bender I was in when pregnant with Lily. I think about the night we had to spend in the ER for what was a minor thing, but had me panicked because I was carrying this little stranger I was already totally in love with. I think about the fact that I am working full time now and don't have the luxury of a nap when I want it or sleeping in every day. Even without the job, I'd have to care for Lily if I was home. I simply cannot be as selfish as I could with Lily.

And yet, I must take care of myself. I must nap when I can and eat good food and dream about the beautiful child I have yet to meet. I want nothing more than to hold the perfect child I dream of. It's so much to take in sometimes. So much to try to get your brain around. Ah well, it's what we do.

Six weeks along and already looking fat! Course, that could have something to do with the fact that I haven't lost all my Lily weight...

Oh, and everyone say Hi to Millie the cat.

Miss Crazy Pants

Miss Crazy Pants cracks me up. Every time she starts to get tired, so turns into this drunken, crazy pants girl. Stumbling around, falling into things and laughing wildly. She has taken to beating me up a bit during this phase. If I'm laying on the floor, she fall on top of me, flail her arms and kick her legs, laughing and shouting, steam rolling me. We keep trying to get her to realize she needs to be gentle; she doesn't do this stuff to Mark. In fact, Mark tells me that he doesn't "allow" her to do it, as though I am somehow inviting this. Boys can be so silly.

On another note, she's been sleeping in her bed rather than the crib. She'll wake up in the morning and climb down, go knock on her door. The other day Mark was sleeping up in her room and she got out of the bed and went to her door, so he opened it. Then across the bridge to the living room door, so he opened that. Straight through the living room to the front door, so he opened THAT one. Right on out the front door and almost all the way to the car before she realized she was barefoot and her feet felt funny. He thinks that when she finally woke all the way up. Silly Miss Crazy Pants.





Love her.

Check it out! Found out about a very welcome surprise today. Using the 38 week model (instead of the 40 week model, which has you starting your pregnancy during your moon cycle) I am two days shy of four weeks along! EEEEE!

SPOON!

I'm sitting here watching as my daughter eats cereal and rice milk... with a spoon. She's so insistent that she can do everything like we do. Forks, spoons, heck! she'd cut up her own hot dog if we let her! She's getting so big, so fast, it's just a little freaky.

She's also taken to CLINGING to me a hollering at me each morning as I get ready to go to work. She is not pleased about my leaving, but has a great time with Daddy once I'm gone. Those two get along brilliantly and Mark manages to get WAY more done than I ever could while handling a toddler. He's even been able to build some shelves, assemble her new table and chairs, cook beautiful dinners, do all the shopping... the list goes on and on! It's working out rather well for all of us.

There is one thing though that makes me a little sad. My milk supply is dwindling and this makes Lily very unhappy. She'll nurse and nurse and nurse and then sit up, cry and ask for num-nums as though I've been withholding. There's just not a lot there anymore... I'm spending too much time away from here. I know, at least she's old enough and a great eater; I don't have to worry about her nutritionally. But there is this amazing settling in time, reconnecting time, reminder of who we are time... it's hard to loose that. It's hard now that she wants more than I can give.

Ah, now she is eating her cereal by the fistfulls! There's my baby girl.

those three little words...

Lily said "I love you" today.

There is nothing more I could possibly post that could top that.

Where'd the num-nums go?

With two weeks of back-to-work for me and no nursing during the day for Lily, things are making a change. The biggest (ha ha), most noticeable change is the obvious decrease in the size of the num-nums. I no longer can fill out the nursing bras and am back into my pre-pregnancy ones. Not as convenient to nurse in, but I have a feeling that's not going to be an issue much longer. Yep, she's starting to wean. Makes me kinda sad and kinda happy. Monkey nursing makes me annoyed and tender and it'll be nice to not have her pawing at me and checking out the num-nums all the time. And the nursing sessions from 5am to 7am just suck (ha again!) and keep me tired. But, when she's earnestly nursing - thus, settled down and calm - I just love the closeness and connection. It's a great way to check in with each other and just have some quiet time together.

Mark brought her by the Globe in the middle of the day last week and she didn't even ask to nurse! SO, I guess she's adjusting well. I really wanted to nurse until she was at least two and she may stick with it until then. But her dependence on me is over. Daddy can totally fulfill her needs now and that makes my life easier... just a little sad. Silly mommy.

Anyway, there is a TON more I should write but I'm tired. Say good night!

New Shoes and Bathtub Play

Haven't had time/energy to post. Lily is saying "Hi" now and actually at the appropriate time. She's getting frustrated at times, babbling away at us and not understanding why we don't get what she's saying. After all, as far as she knows, she's being completely clear! Poor boo.

She has her first pair of hard soled shoes - a cute little pair of sandals - and is enjoying clumping around in them and demanding that we put them on at any moment where she realizes her feet are bare. If they're not on her feet, well then they should be thrown immediately into the wading pool! With a Huzzah! if it can be managed.

Found her in the tub the other day, happily playing. Can't figure out how she managed to get into the darn thing without bonking her head. We suspect the dog.

Hmmm, what else? Lily learned that hitting the cat will produce disastrous results. The cat was very reserved and finally got fed up, extended one claw (I kid you not, she showed amazing restraint) and scratched Lil on the arm. She was deeply unhappy about that, but I haven't caught her hitting the cat again.

My new job is going well... it's been a hard adjustment, but I still feel like we all made the right choice.

Bedtime. Maybe I'll be able to update again later.

More on the big shift

Since becoming parents Mark and I have been mulling over the best arrangement for rearing our child[ren] so that we can make enough money to cover our nut AND be the ones actively parenting our child[ren]. While we understand why some parents put their children in daycare, it wasn't what we wanted for ours and so, I have been primarily the stay-at-home-parent since Lily's birth. Grandma Jan has been an amazing help, taking Lil two afternoons a week so I could work part time, but it was somehow still not an ideal situation for us.

Two and a half weeks into our recent three week road trip, Mark and I had the mother of all talks. While I LOVE being Lil's mom, I am somewhat unfulfilled as a stay-at-home-parent... I love working and miss it terribly. And to be honest, I'm not thriving in the set up we have now. And Mark, who very much enjoys being a carpenter, has always wanted to have the opportunity to parent full time. As we drove through the beautiful mountains of Yosemite Park, we realized that THIS just wasn't working and we needed to make some changes.

A friend of mine (who also happens to be my former boss at the Old Globe) had been kind enough to let me know that there was a job opening she felt I'd be good for. She asked that as soon as I got home I email her my resume and so, after taking some time to update it I fired her off a copy. Within a few hours of sending it off I received a phone call from the director of Marketing and Communications, asking me if I would be available to interview the next day. They have created a new position in the box office, one that would allow me some flexibility with the schedule while still allowing me to do more than just sell a ticket. I have the opportunity to work in a position of respect, with some remarkable people and make a decent wage while I'm at it. Mark will still have to take a gig here and there, but the salary will just about cover our needs. AND it comes with benefits!

I start Monday.

SOOOO, we are jumping into a big change. Mark is thrilled to get to be with Lily so much more and I will get to care for my whole family financially. My mom (Grandma Jan) will still be helping out a couple of days a week and Mark's mom (Grandma Heidi) will be coming to stay in September while Mark works his last out of town gig for a while. We feel blessed and amazed that when we made the choice to change things, this job just jumped at me. I feel incredibly grateful that I have such an awesome husband that he wants to stay home with his beautiful daughter. I'm a little sad to be spending that much time away from Lil but excited at the new world opening up for me. It's a big shift and we know it may be a bit sticky at times. But ahhh, what a wonderful world we live in where these opportunities can present themselves.

We'll keep you posted!

Hanging out at Glacier Point with a fabulous view of Half Dome.

Catching Up

We’re back from our trip and Cousin Nate and his brood have set off to return to Chicago after a couple of days with us.

Lily is napping and it is quiet for the first time in a LONG time. What an amazing thing.

A lot has happened since last I posted and I know that Allyn will kick my ass if she reads about all this before I talk to her. But that may be the way it goes down.

First, about the trip: we had an awesome time and really enjoyed our time with family and friends. Lily didn't sleep so well with being away from home, so by the middle of our final week Mark looked over at me and quietly said "I'm done." We came home a few days early and then welcomed Nate's family for their visit. We LOVED having them here, their boys are beautiful and wonderful and so full of love. It was great for me to get to know my cousin as an adult... we shared deep conversation and discovered that we are both rather silly.

On the trip, Mark and I talked a lot about what should happen next in our lives. We discovered that we are not quite ready to have another child and that's OK. We discovered that I am not thriving as a stay at home parent and that Mark would like to his hand at it. While in Shasta I received a phone call from my former boss at The Old Globe to inform me that there was a position open that she felt I might be great for. When we arrived home I emailed her my resume and within a few hours I was scheduled for an interview the next day (Friday). I went in and interviewed and was told that they would be making their decision by the end of next week. They called me on Monday and offered me the position. The money is decent, the benefits rock and the best part is that they are totally understanding that I am not interested in working insane hours and that I reserve the right to re-evaluate in six months or so.

While nursing Lil today, I looked down at her sweet little face and her perfect little fingers and I cried at the thought of leaving her. But I know that I will be happier mama if I let her and Mark have their time together and I go back to work. I need it. I love that little girl.

Still haven't figured out what to do about breastfeeding. She's still nursing quite a bit but old enough to start trying goat milk and/or rice milk. I’m not really thrilled about the prospect of pumping… it’s stressful and difficult to fit into a busy schedule. We shall see how it goes. We will continue to nurse as much as she wants when together.

I am so proud of Mark for taking on this unconventional role. I am so thankful that he allowed me to make this decision on my own with the knowledge that it wouldn’t mean having our beautiful daughter raised by strangers.

This may be my last post for a while. With all the adjustments, I just can’t promise that I’ll stick to this. My goal was to blog for the first year of Lil’s life and I’ve already overshot that! Yippee! I’ll do my best, but hey… it’s all good.

Lots of love,
Lily’s mama

On the Road Again

We're nearing the end of our three week road trip and still having a great time. Heading off today to meet Mark's dad, see my Aunt and her family and then have a decadent night in a "real" hotel. Lily's been doing GREAT on the road, sleeping a lot and doing really well with the constant change in bedtime locals. She is chatting up a storm with everyone she meets, occasionally getting an actually word in there as well. She randomly hugged these two young girls on a boat the other day... just walked up and gave them a hug... so cute!

Anyway, I only have a moment, so I will fill you all in later. Hope everyone's having a good time doing their thing. We'll see you all soon.

Quick note in Lily's mama's life: took off 14 inches of hair and donated it all to www.LocksofLove.org. How do you like the new look?

Here's the before shot.

She has her own room : (

I found it so hard when she showed signs of wanting to be alone... wanted her with me, even if I found it difficult. But when it was hard for her, when she wasn't sleeping and would sleep great without us, I had to accept that her agenda was different from mine. This child of mine is so fiercely independent, I wish she'd "need" me more. She's only one and won't allow me to hold her hand while she walks or won't let me carry her on my hip in a store. She uses me as a home base, touching in as she plays, asking to nurse often... yet she is so determined to be on her own. Scares me a little, amazes me even more. Does she get this insane confidence from the year we spent sleeping with her tucked in between us? Is it just in her nature? Is this why I am already yearning for another baby?

I have found that having a child has changed me so completely... surprised me in ways I could never have imagined. She has asked so much of me and yet so often asks me to do so little. I am so blessed to have her in my life and even though she now wants to sleep alone, our bed will always be open to her. I hope she finds it a place of warmth, safety, comfort... a place for whispers and secrets and cuddling up to her mama and daddy. I hope that I will always feel good about our choices, even if they scare the heck outta me!

Party on.

We threw one heck of a shin-dig today for Lily's birthday. About 40 people showed up to help us celebrate Lily's first trip around the sun and it was a blast. She very much enjoyed the frosting on the cake Grandma Janis made for her; scooping it up in handfuls and shoving it into her mouth. Poor Boo was very tired by the end of the cake episode and so I gathered her up and put her into one of her favorite places to play: the bathtub. She was very happy there and graciously received guests from her watery throne, waving bye-bye to the departing partiers. Afterwards we opened presents, which she found rather unremarkable. That is, until we opened the Leap Frog Drum... which we couldn't disentangle from the packaging fast enough. She LOVED that thing and it was a huge hit with all the little ones, each banging on it joyfully.

We had a ton of food, have a ton of left overs... so much fun!

Baby bucket!

Happy Birthday!

Lily turned one yesterday! Amazing, wild and oh so frightening. Where has the time gone? I feel like I missed it completely.

Anyway, we are celebrating with a big party here at the house on Saturday. Even Uncle Steve will be here for that one. Didn't do much to mark the day yesterday other than give her lots of love and hugs and talked to her about her birth. She'll get cake, lovingly made by Grandma Jan, lots of well wishers and party party on Saturday. We're looking forward to it.

Today we're checking out a preschool... scary thought, that.

Ah well... my baby is growing up!

Lily moon face!

sleep

We moved Lily into her new, very purple room this week. We've been sleeping in the same room with her still as she gets used to the new space but tonight we're going to try sleeping in our bedroom. Don't want to jinx it by making any predictions on the outcome... let's just say that we will hope for the best and keep our hearts open. I'll keep you all posted.

On a positive sleep note: Lil feel asleep in my arms the other night as we cuddled in bed. The back of her head rested against my cheek and her body lay as close as possible to me, the warmth of her sweet little body against my neck and chest. Her little hands rested out in front of her, one whole hand curled around my thumb. The scent of her head, slightly damp from sweat, it's just something that you can't describe, so perfect and intoxicating. I have never been so in love.

I can't believe she's almost one. It breaks my heart.

obey the stair!

Lily has finally learned to respect stairs. She wants to be able to walk up and down them like we do, but after many bumps and bruises has finally figured out that she would do best to sit and scooch down the steps and crawl up them. We kept trying to rescue her, but finally figured out that she had to take a couple of knocks before she'd get the message. Now we have to work on her leaping off of the couch or bed...

At dinner tonight, we gave Lil a spoon to see if she could actually get any food into her mouth (by way of said spoon). As you can see, she had no trouble figuring out where the spoon should go, but did have some gravity issues. She's also starting to get some signs down and can ask for water or more... it's the same sign, but it seems to make her happy!

ra ra ra!

We took Lil to her first movie today, Shrek 2. She did really well at first, sat in her own chair and ate nacho chips, drank out of her nifty cup. Then when the movie started she nursed some and then settled into my lap to watch, thumb securely tucked into her mouth. About half way through (or so) she needed a diaper change and Mark was awesome enough to take her. When they got back, she started hollering at things. She was in a good mood, just wanted to yell at things. So, I had to take her out for a walk. She had a blast running up and down the hallway and overall, had a great time with her movie. I missed most of it, but that's ok... it was more about her having a positive experience. We know she's too young for movies, but we wanted to go so we were selfish and went!

Anyway, new dipes arrived in the mail today and I am all excited about using them! Cute dipes, cute dipes, ra ra ra!! I'll post some picture of them!

Paisley!

New dipers!

num nums

Lily has learned a new skill. Tonight we had spaghetti for dinner and Mark would hold up a strand, Lily would tilt her head back and squeeze her eyes shut, and then he'd drop one end into her mouth. Now here's the new skill: then she'd suck it into her mouth and grin! Too funny to watch. She really enjoyed spaghetti...

Oh, and today she really understood the word "num nums." She had crawled into my lap and was being a fussy face when I got her attention and said, "Lily, do you want num nums?" Her head popped up and she looked me right in the eyes and started pawing at my shirt. Of all the words to get, no surprise that it's the one we use for her most fabulous, wonderful, comforting, nummy nums nums.

Mmmmm... nums nums.

baboon walking

In a wicked bad mood this eve; restless, annoyed and just ready to bicker. Mark just loves it when I'm this grumpy. Don't ask me why I feel this way, I haven't figured it out yet. But I'm sure it's all someone’s fault ;).

Lil's two latest teeth are giving her a run for her money. She's been chewing on her fingers, mostly on the left side, and drooling like a mad woman. She's actually in a great mood most of the time. She's so thrilled with herself and her new found ability to walk that sometimes she walks with her hands way up in the air, just to prove she doesn't need them. She'll often complete the ensemble with an enthusiastic raspberry. Kinda reminds me of a baboon... betcha I'll pay for that comment later.

To be fair, she makes a really adorable baboon.

Bubbles, toys, warm water, and a mama to take your picture... bath time is FUN!

ballerina-butt

Haven't had much time to blog lately. Lily's doing pretty well at night, sleeping fairly well and not having such a hard time with the teething. She's got two more coming in (which will bring her up to six) and seems to be in the chill phase. She's walking up a storm now, preferring it to walking as much as possible. Gives me the opportunity to put her in dresses again, which the little girly part of me enjoys. Had her in a cute little sundress yesterday with her ballerina-butt diaper on. Too cute! I'm getting somewhat addicted to cute diaper covers... must be careful or will no longer be able to claim that cloth is cheaper than disposable!

Took Lil and Maya to the dog park yesterday and then went to check out the Habitat for Humanity store where you can dig up old doors, windows, tile, etc. Bought two older style windowed doors which I'm going to strip and use as picture frames (yes, very big picture frames) for our big wall in the living room. Yes, I'm a hippy. Deal.

Anyway, life is good and only getting better. More on that later. ; )

In the groove.

Mark and I were in the groove tonight. Through dinner, we seamlessly took turns popping food into Lil's mouth while we both ate and talked and laughed. Then Mark took her downstairs to get ready for bed while I went under the house for our box of painting supplies, checking in and helping out when Lil's diaper change suddenly became traumatic (sometimes she realizes we're getting her ready for bed and protests... while practically nodding off on the table). I dragged the box upstairs to the guest room while Mark put Lily to bed and started taping off the windows. Mark came up to join me after the girly was asleep and helped me remove the blinds. No time to paint, so we headed back into the kitchen to clean up after dinner. We moved around each other easily, helping and getting things done.

Things are getting easier. Lily's going to bed easier and sleeping pretty well. While I'm still over whelmed (like, all the time!), I feel like it's starting to move back into the land of groove. I'm feeling as though the world makes a little more sense... like I CAN handle all this stuff.

Kinda a nice feeling.

It's official, she's walking. While still falling down a whole heck of a lot, she's trying to walk everywhere and actually succeeding quite a bit. She's so incredibly pleased with herself, I just can't bear to trip her, thereby (hopefully) delaying this walking business! And next month... she turns one. *gulp* followed by a single mama tear.

A sleepy girl. 

Order vs. chaos

In the kitchen the other day and Lily is tooling around, finding things to play with. I look over to see her removing a dangling rubber band from a cabinet knob. She toddles/crawls off with it, stepping on it while babbling, pulling on it... you know, all the fun things one can do with a rubber band before they learn to create guns with them. I continue working at the sink, moving around the kitchen as needed. Lily is back and forth between the kitchen and living room and finally gets interested in some other "toy." I figure I ought to go collect the rubber band before it gets lost to the ether when I turn and find it hanging exactly where she found it; the correct knob, even.

Now this is odd behavior for ANY eleven-month-old... but for one that lives in our house, it's downright eerie. Mark and I are not, at our best, good housekeepers. My Grandmother, when I relayed this story to her told me I was so lucky, figuring Lily will keep house for us. She'll have a LOT of work to do. ; )

8...9...10!

Lily wowed my mom and me today by taking 10 steps down the center of my mother’s hallway. She's all over it, folks. She's still got some confidence issues to work out, but before long she's going to be running at top speed! Scary.

She's also starting to repeat things. I said to her today, "I'm going to put you down for a minute, OK?" and she replied "OK." She'll say "yeah" sometimes and is quickly picking up "no." She's already got the head shake down pat. She's not consistent yet but hey, she's got plenty of time.

On another note: Mark and I had a date tonight! We shared a fabulous meal with Nate and Sandy (who we are now referring to as "Nandy" when we're happy with them and "Snate" when they have fallen from favor) and then the two of us went to Boarders and looked at books! And yes, folks, THAT is my idea of a great date.

Busy little bees

When Fran, Kristianne and Jonah were here the other night, Jonah noticed a couple of bees hanging out near the opening in the wall where all the cables come into the basement of the house (we have no overhead wire; phone, cable, electricity, etc are all run underground!). By the next morning, it was a whole swarm. As someone who is a.) terrified of bees and b.) somewhat allergic, I wasn't going to waste any time; so I called in a hit. Jonathan, who was the kick ass bug and bee guy I hired when I worked at Sledge, is coming this morning to make 'em dead. Yes, I know we could have someone come and remove them humanely... but the cost is one issue and my distrust of the little buggers figures in as well. I talk a good talk about peace and kindness, but I will fully admit that when it comes to bees, I'm a very bad person.

So Jonathan just left. He tells me that the average hive is 30,000 bees, which totally freaks me out. Lily and I watched from the dining room window as he sprayed poison into the hive and the hum started to get louder and louder, bees swooping at Jonathan and trying to get into his bee suit. They were pretty pissed off, which I totally respect. Sorry guys. We'll have to be on the lookout for dead solders for the next couple of days... I am a bad person, but at least I'm not sitting on 30,000 allergic reactions anymore.

Dinner with Friends

Had Fran, Kristianne and Jonah over for dinner tonight; it was a blast. They're a great couple with a great kid with whom who we just really enjoy spending time. It's a pity we don't see them more often. I made a big ol' dinner, complete with appetizer and dessert and it was YUMMY! It was a bit of a stress to pull off in time (didn't actually serve dinner 'till, um, 8pm), but if I'm home more, we gotta have people over more often. Helps us keep the place clean(er) too!

On a less than fabulous note, our Tuesday day care provider is getting out of the business. She's a warm, kind, wonderful, caring, compassionate woman and she has to give up something she loves because of a health issue. I feel so sad for her and admittedly, for us. Lily loves her time there and I enjoy having someone I can trust keeping an eye on her. Not quite sure what we'll end up doing. Once I'm not working as much we won't "need" to have Lily in care, but we like the opportunity for independent (meaning, away from us), social interaction. She's become so much more outgoing since she started there and is a much happier kid. Besides, it's so hard to find someone as good as Judy... we're really going to miss her.

My goddess, I am tired. Off to bed with me, the dishes be damned.

Grrrrr

A bad day with her is worth countless happy days without.

That being said, this teething thing sucks eggs. We've managed to figure out the trend and know that this craziness is teeth, and therefore know that inside of a week things will drastically improve. Then we'll have about three days of the happiest girl on earth and THEN voila! a beautiful new tooth will make itself known. But, geez, right now it's just really frustrating. She spent the day nursing, screaming, or going "ohhh." That's her new thing, "oh." She falls down, she says "oh." She bumps her head, she says "ohhh." She sees me and realizes she's not in my arms, she says "ohh." It's actually really funny. The tears sometimes follow, but often it's just "oh." Can't really capture it in text, you really oughta hear it.

Anyway, must eat food. Must clean up tornado house. Must sit and let my brain reset.

PS: Nobody point out the fact that I'm actually blogging on a regular basis, it might throw me off and then you'll read nothing from me for weeks! SHHHHH.

Who'd have thunk it?

Lily has never been that great about going to bed. She does wonderfully if she's in arms and will sleep long and hard, happily snuggled against one of our warm bodies. So our night time routine has been somewhat frustrating: we change her, hold her, put her into bed and then stand there for a LONG time with a hand on her chest while she falls in and out of sleep, fussing and straining to get back up.

The other day, however, I really had to pee. So, I popped her into bed and then ran to use the toilet. She stood up and hollered, and then, by the time I washed my hands... was asleep. AND (and here's the kicker) she stayed down until Mark and I came to bed several hours later. I've been repeating this little experiment and am finding that it actually works. I am absolutely against letting a baby cry it out; if she didn't stop after 30-60 seconds, she'd be in my arms in a heart beat. Part of me feels guilty for those 30-60 seconds... but isn't 60 seconds of really intense unhappiness better than half an hour of struggle?

I guess that this parenting gig is all about situations that don't have obvious answers. I mean, who would have ever thought that the more a child naps during the day the better they'll sleep at night? But it does work that way. Who would have thought that BEFORE the teeth cut is when the child is most uncomfortable? But that's what we've seen. It's like all reason and logic just flew out the window! MADNESS, I tell you, MADNESS!

AYA!

We drove up to LA today to pick up our new van after upgrading from a '86 to a '90. What was supposed to be a four hour trip turned into an eight hour drive... traffic, sleepy parents having to pull over and get some fresh air and snacks, lunch needs, etc. Lily slept most of the time and, amazingly enough, is actually asleep before 8pm. She's got the drooly, snotty, slight fever thing going on, so I think we're in for new teeth. Anyway, here's the highlight. We stop in Solana Beach for Starbucks, but the place had burned down. Darn inconvenient of them, if you ask me. So, we got juice instead. At this point we're driving in two cars and I'm driving the van with Maya in the back. Mark's got Lily in the Rav and as we slide open the door of the van to sit with Maya and drink our juices, Lily takes one look at the dog and shouts, "AYA!" One single consonant away from the dogs actual name. So now we're up to Mamamamama, Dadadada, up, down, gung (donno), yeah, yum and AYA! Before we know it, she'll be writing her dissertation.

2x2? No thank you.

As most of you know, Mark and I have been planning a road trip for July/August. Our goal was to drive all the way to Seattle, stopping along the way to see friends and family. Today, while chatting with my cousin in Chicago who is the proud papa of two young children, I was lead gently by Nate to a bit of enlightenment.
"So," he asked, "you ever do a road trip with Lily before?"
"Yeah, we went to Northern California when she was two months."
"OK... how about recently, anything over two hours?" he prompted.
I thought about it and replied, "No, but she likes the car pretty well, usually goes right to sleep."
"Elaine, that means you can pretty much drive in two hour shots, maybe three. Take it from me, we've tried the road trip thing and it's a good day if you can make it beyond the two hour Mark."
I thought about this: all the way to Seattle in two hour sets? Ah, no.

SO! Rather than try for Seattle and possibly have to rearrange the entire trip after only a few days on the road, we're going to keep ourselves in California. This means we'll be missing some wonderful friends who we love very much and for that we are bummed. BUT, these friends all have kids and probably we're whispering to each other that we were NUTS for attempting this venture, so I think they'll understand. The good news is that all of you in California will not be treated to the abbreviated hey-how's-it-going-gotta-go visits we were plotting out on our calendar. We'll get details to you all shortly, but we're very much looking forward to our first big road trip!

Everything else is great, we're having a blast watching Lily grow and learn and take her first halting steps. We're also overjoyed to welcome a cousin for Lil, baby Liam was born to Elaine’s brother and his wife last month and Lily is just itching to play with that boy. We're coming up on Lil's first birthday, which freaks us out to no end, and will be attempting to celebrate with a small gathering at our new house. More details on that one to come as well.

Adventures in dining

Lily LOVES to share. She'll "share" with the dog, who delightfully nibbles from her fingers while she giggles happily. She'll look up at Mark or me, arm outstreched with a damp little morsel clutched in her grubby fingers, smiling broadly and just waiting for us to yum enthusiastically as we eat from her hand. The minute our lips touch her fingers, she errupts in laughter. Cool.

Then there are the meals where the dog and cat are having a bit of chase. Lily will accept spoonfuls of food while whipping her head back and forth to keep an eye on the game, occasionally throwing in a cracker for effect, watching as Maya changes course to pick up the treat then race off after the cat again.

And who could forget Lily's sign for water: a full body slam, back in forth in the high chair, her body riotously rocking while she points at her cup, asking, no DEMANDING her drink of water.

Mark and I don't get to have much conversation, but we look forward to dinner all the same. We trade off keeping the girly fed while trying to get some food into our own mouths. I type as Lily smears yogurt around on her tray, mixing it with crackers and popping bits into her mouth. Mark is trapsing around the property with Maya at his heals. Twilight is upon us, the air is cooling into night. And my Lily, my sweet baby girl has a cracker pasted to her ear. My purpose is clear. ; )

You get what you pay for.

My maternal grandmother collapsed today and had to be revived by paramedics. This has been happening a lot, although she's always come around a lot more quickly. My grandpa is really afraid that he's going to lose her. The thing is I don't think she's that worried about it. I haven't spent a lot of time with her, just heard the reports from my mom, but it seems that she's kinda sick of the whole in-and-out-of-the-hospital gig. I think she's more worried about looking undignified than anything else.

Anyway, my mom is heading up tonight to see her and I'm thinking Lily and I will make the trip on Thursday. Allyn's coming into town, but I think I can see her on Friday and the weekend... heck, even if I missed her entirely, she'd understand. I've been putting this off too long. I guess there's a part of me that is worried that a trip to see them will be a trip to say goodbye and I don't know how I feel about that. But, I'd love for them to see Lily now that she's got some personality. I've already accepted that it's statistically unlikely Lil will really know her great-grands, but I want them to know her. And hey, whatever impressions she picks up from them, a scent, a moment, a picture in her mind... it's all a blessing.

Damn, now I'm getting emotional.

This too shall pass.

OK, so last night sucked (and this has nothing to do with our new vacuum cleaner). Lily had a really rough night. She went down in mere minutes (Daddy's getting good at this) and slept for a couple of hours, giving Mark and I a chance to enjoy each other’s company. And then, just as we were really getting to enjoy some adult time together, Lily woke up and started hollering. Mark did his best to get her back to sleep, but every time he'd put her down or simply stop touching her, she'd awake to screams.

Thus went the rest of our night.

She's nursing brutally, grabbing a hold and attacking my breast, even doing some biting. She's a grumpy, grumpy Gus. And so, my mother’s day ended with me grumbling at the person who makes me a mother.

And so we repeat the mommy mantra, the phrase that makes us continue down the path despite our fatigue or frustration:

THIS TOO SHALL PASS
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
THIS TOO SHALL PASS

AHO!

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

Lily let us sleep in until 8:30 this morning, the best gift I could have hoped for! Then off to brunch with Grandma Lu and the gang, which was nice and filled with cheers for my first mother’s day. Felt really good.

We've been working on night weaning, which is part of the reason we had such a great night last night (although it could have been helped by the margarita I had at dinner). We've been offering her water when she wakes, instead of the breast and though we've only been at it for a short time, it seems to be working for her. We're hoping that with the only incentive to wake being water, she'll just chose to keep sleeping. Around five or six am I go ahead and nurse her, but I haven't had to nurse three or four times before that. We're keeping our fingers crossed and our intentions strong and enjoying the sleep as it comes.

Also need to get new diaper covers. I think I ruined the ones we have by rinsing them in vinegar. Will have to chat with some friends about what to get! So much fun. Must run, off to Home Depot for paint and other fun toys.

Some days... just better than others.

Today was a very full day. First we took that stack of baby items that has been piling up near the front door and donated them. Wow, the entry way is suddenly HUGE! The, onto the PB Block Party where we wondered around, ate bad food and drank a very weak lemonade in the not-too-hot sun. From there we went to Sears where we purchased the coolest vacuum cleaner, ever. We picked up a Dyson Animal which really sucks ; ). We got tired of buying vacuum cleaners every couple of years and figure that if this thing can just last three years we'll be ahead. It has a 17 foot hose attachment, a life-time filter, no bags and is so easy to empty... no more standing over the trash can while banging on the canister, dust everywhere, you just point and pull a trigger and the dirt is gone. Oh, and the very coolest things about it: it's purple. You gotta love that. We brought it home, Mark set it up and had an absolute blast cleaning things. This is one of the reasons I married this man... he LOVES to clean. It's like Christmas for him, this new machine. He's adorable.

Anyway, I finally tore Mark's attention away from his new toy long enough to remind him that we had a date! We took Lily to my dad's and ran off for dinner and a movie, something that we haven't had the pleasure of in a long time. We saw Hidalgo which I LOVED. Really wonderful flick about a man and his horse. Mark had to listen to me say (quite frequently, really) "THAT is a man without HONOR" regarding all the bad guys. Cheaters. Don't like cheaters at all!

It was a great day. Lily even had fun at my dads and spent a fair bit of time blowing raspberries at him, which he thought was great. OH, and we even got to see my mom, who is getting over a cold and had been having Lily withdrawals from not being able to care for her this week. Good all around.

Seeing Red.

Lily is becoming so much more daring in her attempts to walk. Yesterday, she picked up her little sports bottle while standing next to the coffee table and decided it would be fun to stand, free of support, while drinking. She did really well and Vikki and I were just commenting on how impressed we were with her multi-tasking skills when DOWN she went, face first, into the cup. I scooped her up and held her close while she tried on a very healthy wail. When she tipped her head back to draw in air, I was horrified to discover blood all over her face. That tooth that had just been barely showing it's edge... yeah, you can see it really well now and this was the source off all that red. She had hit it against the straw and pushed back the gums. After some magic elixir (nursing) she was all better and ready to go attack the dog.

Vikki pointed out that this would not be the last time my shirt would be stained with Lil's blood... not something I want to dwell on, but yes, she is right. Lily will, undoubtedly, have many bumps, bruises, cuts, etc throughout her long life. It's part of growing up and will teach her how to use caution. While I have no intention of getting "used to" the sight of my daughters blood, I was pleased that this time she got hurt I didn't go into panic mode. I guess it gets easier to deal with... or at least, that's what I hope!

Toe dipping.

It's been hotter than the hinges lately and so we took Lily and Maya to the beach today to frolic a bit in the waves. The only other time Lil has been was when she was only a month or two old and she was all wrapped up in the sling, nursing the whole time. This time we dunked her feet in the water and let her play with the sand. She really dug the sand and would pick up handfuls, feeling it with both hands and watching, clearly fascinated as it ran through her fingers. She even tasted it, but decided that wasn't such a good idea. Maya had a blast, as she always does when allowed to leap into water and Mark and I took about a thousand photos. Two people offered to take photos of all three of us and we have a really nice shot to remember her first active trip to the beach.

We kept it short and then hung out in the van for a while so Mark could figure out how to set up the awning. Lily loves the van and crawled around "talking" and pulling on things. Then back home for pancakes! Yea! Life's good.

Nate's Cafe.

Took a drive today and ended up near Nate and Sandy's new house. We called Nate to find out exactly where the new place was and, as he was in rehearsal, didn't get ahold of him. So we kinda felt our way there and actually found it. On the way there we drove past this place called "Nate's Cafe" and it looked kinda cool, like hippy's would be happy there. It was a little past lunch time and I was ready for a meal, so I turned the car around and drove straight to the Cafe.

Turns out this place is actually the coolest nursery I've ever seen. Had a little barn with goats and chickens and all sorts of amazing things. LOVED it. And our Nate (not the one the restaurant is named after... turns out he's dead) ended up joining us for lunch.

What is it about Nate and Lily? She loves him. She wants to show off whenever he's around. She took her first steps in his direction and today, she started shaking her head "no" at him. Totally new behavior; just whipped it out for Nate. Silly baby.

So yes, she now shakes her head no... it's not pretty and sometimes her head ends up going round and round and up and down and back and forth, but she thinks that's funny, so it's all good.

"Lily, say 'Mama'... say 'Mama', Lily"
Big grin, followed by a whispered "Dada"

Love that stuff. Funny as all get out.

Met our new nephew, Liam today. Lily likes Liam... wants to play with him. We brought up some dinner and visited for an hour or two before we had to get Lil home and into bed. He's a beautiful little boy, delicate little features and these sweet little sounds. Makes funny little "o" faces. Matthew is such the doting daddy; he already seems so comfortable with him and seems to be really loving every moment with his baby boy. Michelle seems to be recovering well. She's still having some pain and has to take it easy so as not to pull any stitches. She also seems to be settling into her motherhood role well... it suits her. They are already great parents, can't wait to see what kind of personality emerges and how the cousins will interact.

Ah yes, life is good.

We took Lily to the zoo for the first time today. She was pretty unimpressed. It was really hot and she was a sleepy baby because of the heat. But she kicked it in the stroller and grinned when we tipped it back and said HI. I was bad and gave her a taste of an icee... which only made her want more. Not nice, teasing the baby. We went into the petting zoo and only two goats we out roaming around. The rest were having some lunch. There was a black on having a rest in the middle of the yard and Lily and I bent down to say hello. Lily felt more comfortable "petting" it with her foot. She was very gentle, just seemed to think it was better to keep a bit of a distance from it. After a while, she did pet it a little, but again, pretty unimpressed. The other goat was trying to eat a chain, so we let it be. Walked around some and then sat and watched the primates play while Lily nursed. It was nice. Hot, but nice.

Didn't stay long as Mark has royally screwed up his back and while Dr. Joe told him to do some walking if he could, he was only up for so much. Had to bail out on work today, something that he hates to do, but it was going to be a day of heavy lifting, some deconstruction and wallpaper peeling... none of which feels good when your body is crooked.

Off for a nap. Lily was dead asleep when we got back and even transferred into the crib without a peep, so I think I will take a page from my daughters book and siesta through the heat.

Lily took three little steps today before plopping back onto her bum. And wouldn't you know it, she took them in the direction of our friend Nate. He'd come over to cut some Bamboo and then I made sandwiches and Margaritas... haven't had a drink of any kind in over two years and darnit all, I just wanted something cold and froofy. Made 'em good a weak. Very tasty. Anyway, we were all hanging out on the floor, watching Lil crawl around and being very very lazy. Lily stood up, I helped her balance and let go. I'm going with it being a moment of confidence rather than an extreme need to get to Nate. Although he's a pretty neat guy and she always lights up when she sees him, so I wouldn't be too surprised if it was all for love of that guy!

Big day for her. Three baby steps closer to walking and two new teeth.

Lily has TWO new teeth!

I guess all she wanted for May Day/Beltane was her two front teeth...

It was pointed out to me that the last couple of my posts have been in the vein of "OHMYGODIAMAMOM!!!!!!!!!!!" Can't argue with that, now can I? Yes, things have been hard lately. Mark is working WAY too much, I'm dealing with my own issues and Lily has two teeth coming in at once. And with the arrival of spring in our land, Lily and I are rubbing our noses and eyes and hoping that our heads don't explode.

Despite all this, life is good. Mark and I have this amazing daughter. We have an amazing marriage. We have an amazing home. Our trouble is that there is too much work, not too little, so at least we're not unemployed. We have this neat dog and kitty and not one, not two, but THREE working vehicles. Our fridge is full (as are our tummies). So you see, all the rest is just inconveniences. What's that old line: If your house is burning down or you have cancer, you have a problem; everything else is just an inconvenience.

So here it is, folks, in no particular order:
10 things I didn't know before I had my daughter:

1. Baby poop smells like hot cheerios.
2. Everything can be called "dadada", the cat, the couch, the remote control; it's all just "dadada."
3. A candle-lit bath with bubbles and soft music is nice, but a bath with a squirming ten-month-old who splashes and yells joyously at her toys is MUCH MUCH better.
4. Car rides are more fun with conversations like this: "Ah!" and then "AH AH!" and then "AH HA!" and so on and so forth until you're both giggling.
5. Babies never move so quickly as when they are headed somewhere they know is off limits or will cause them harm.
6. There is no end to snot. It flows like the river and is as endless as the sea.
7. I can do anything and so can my daughter.
8. Time speeds up as you get older, but MY GOD does it fly when you're rearing a child. Didn't I just give birth yesterday?
9. There is nothing in the world more beautiful than a man snuggled up in an oversized chair with his infant sleeping peacefully in his arms.
10. Just like snot, there is no end to love. It fills my heart, my soul, my being; it spills out from my fingertips and toes; it moves through me with such power and presence that it feels like drowning... you just can't breathe without taking more of it in.

So yes, OHMYGODIAMAMOM!!!!!!!!!!!
And yes, oh my sweet wonderful God, I am so lucky, blessed and honored to be a mom.

On Monday we went to Dr. Joe's (just like we do every week, Pinky) and Lily played with Carmella and had a great time. Thad came in and parked his bike against the wall, set his backpack next to it and ran upstairs for his adjustment. Lily was having a blast at our feet and we chatted with some of the other parents. Next thing I know, I look over and Lily is pulling Thad's bike over on top of her. In new mommy fashion, I FREAK and yell "Oh my God, Lily!" as I see my baby girl trapped under this thing. She takes one look at her panicking mom and starts hollering. Mark swoops her up before I can and as I am trying to grab her out of his arms he's calmly saying "Look at her, honey. Make sure she's OK" and all I want is to get her into my arms and nursing as quickly as humanly possible. I finally snatch her away from her very capable father, after determining that she's not broken or bleeding, sit into a chair and get her latched up. She's making all these little sad, scared noises as I whisper "It's OK, Lily" over and over and over...

Finally, she's doing fine, happily nursing and all calmed down. But there's crazy mom, stroking her hair (what there is of it), and still saying "It's OK, it's OK." Had to convince myself. It's funny, 'cause I don't think of myself as an over-protective mom. I let her put all sorts of stuff in her mouth, let her take risks, don't make people wash their hands before they come near her... etc. But the sight of that bike coming down on her, I just freaked. She's getting so mobile, it's only going to get worse. I guess this is where I learn that her responses to the world are often a mirror of my own. Yes, she still would have cried and been scared, but seeing me freak out sent her over the edge. Gotta love nursing, though; calmed us both right down. Ummmm, good hormones.

Matt and Michelle had baby Liam this morning! I have a new nephew. Want to take a look at him? CLICK HERE!

Yeah, totally at the end of our rope over here. I am an emotional zero these days and am frequently found rocking in the middle of the night, screaming baby in arms, tears coursing down my face and muttering, "I can't do this, I just can't DO this." I even threatened to run away last night. Mark put some Tylenol into her and that bought us about four hours of sleep, but then it started all over again. Putting her into another room isn't an option... if you've seen the house you know that. Besides, I can't just listen to her scream in another room. Must hold crying baby.

I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. That this behavior is related to a temporary need. She is teething or on the verge of a new skill. Yesterday at my moms, she let her fingers trail along the coffee table while she BIG stepped with her right foot and let the left catch up. Then another BIG step with her right, etc etc. In this manner she went around the table thrilled with herself. That's a lot to work out though, this walking business. Babies process all their crap at night (kinda like us adults).

If you awake in the middle of the night send us poor tired mommas some loving strength. We're needing that support right now!

An Open Letter to My Daughter, AKA Snot-Nose-Poopy-Pants

Dear Lily,

There are a few things I’d like you to know. And I don’t mean “know” I mean KNOW, deep down in your very being. Things that are important to me and should be important to you at one time in your life… although maybe not as you read this letter; I get that, people need different things at different times during their lives.

First off: You have ALWAYS been wanted. We wanted you the moment we looked into each others eyes, fell in love and said “yes.” We actively wanted you in December of 2001 and started trying with the New Year. It didn’t happen right away and sometimes this made me very sad. But then I started to see that you wanted to come to a mom that was ready for you. You needed a mom that wasn’t so stressed out because of a job that wasn’t right for her. You needed a mom that had time to sit with you in a chair and nurse. You needed a mom that was happy and ready to accept a whole new life. So, I quit my job and learned to slow down a little. Then I had to learn to accept that you would not come to me simply because I wished it so. I had to accept that you would come when you were ready. And so, we stopped “trying” and your dad and I just agreed to let it happen. Two weeks after that in October of 2002, you were conceived. We were thrilled, excited and amazed and haven’t stopped feeling all those emotions since.

Second: Your dad and I, we are flawed. Part of being human is making mistakes and having aspects of yourself that you will always need to work on. I’m terrible when it comes to patience. You’re probably saying, “No kidding, Mom!” Your dad, well he’s terrible at letters. No, strike that, he writes beautiful, soulful, funny letters that make you just want to kiss him… he just doesn’t write them often and even if he does, he’ll never get them into the mail! But that’s not the point. It’s important to remember that we’re going to make a lot of mistakes, but our intent will always be for your highest good.

A job isn’t WHO you are. It’s just what you do. We will never have these big expectations of you being a lawyer or a doctor or a teacher or whatever. We don’t think that way. We just want you to be happy. How you chose to make that happen for yourself is up to you. We expect you to be a responsible adult, but that doesn’t include some special formula of x-job and y-kids and yadda yadda yadda. Do what ever you want, just BE happy if you can!

Last, but certainly not least, know that we love you. And I’m not talking about any love you can understand until you have one of your own. I’m talking about a kind of love that is all consuming, permanent, makes you weep and laugh all at once, opens your heart, changes your world… it’s just so big. You just don’t know until you have a child how amazingly huge it is. The sacrifices we make in rearing you… they are not sacrifices. They are choices we make gladly and with an open heart. We could choose to parent differently, but it would be a lie. And I don’t want to lie to you. Not about this. Not about anything, really, but especially about this. We parent you the way we do because of that love. Know that.

Daddy is picking you up from Grandmas and you’ll be here soon. That means it’s time to make some dinner, fold your diapers, and get ready to welcome you home.

Don’t forget: I love you. You’re awesome.

Love,
Momma

Lily sleep crawled right off the bed last night. She had wormed her way up to the headboard and then turned west above my pillow. All a sudden I hear a thunk thunk thunk and before she started wailing had scooped her into my arms. Didn't know I could move that fast... although not fast enough to catch her before she landed on the dog bed. : ( At least she landed on something soft. Probably landed a bit on the dog as well, but by the time I got to her the dog had high-tailed it out of there least we think she was the one that made the baby cry.

Anyway, Mark (also moving at top speed) got a light on and we gave her a good once over, looking for signs of damage. Nothing, totally unharmed, other than a healthy dose of fear. She'll probably still throw herself off of stuff. After a little nursing, she feel back asleep and her wide-eyed parents turned out the lights and worked on getting back to sleep ourselves. Scared the crap out of us both. Maybe the mattress needs to go back on the floor.

She's working on words. Yesterday, Mark said "Yeah, that's a brush" and she looked at his mouth and said "Brrrra!" She says "Yeah" sometimes, not sure yet if it's actually an affirmative or just a sound. She babbles Dadadada like a madwoman, and sometimes gives me a mamama. While napping on my lap the other day, someone knocked on the door and made the dog bark. She sat up and said "Dad?" It's hard to know if these are words or sounds. I figure there will be a moment when it's just obvious: she'll say something and we'll get it. In the mean time, we're just enjoying listening to her babbles.

Tomorrow we go to Sarah's first birthday party. Then next month, Carmella turns one and THEN... scary thought coming up, brace yourself: Lily turns one. Totally freaks me out. I'm having a lot of "totally freaks me out" moments with this parenting thing. Have a feeling it's not going to stop.

Last night, as I worked on putting the baby to bed, Mark built us a nice little fire in our Chiminea out on the deck. Lily refused to go down (undoubtedly not wanting to miss the first outdoor fire in our new home) and so, I bundled her up and we three sat together in front of our happy little fire. Mark brewed a little tea and we sat in silence with occasional outburst from our curious little girl. The dog chuffed at shadows and the creatures that surround our home. The sky, clouded over and misty, caped the night with diffused light... our trees coming gently out of the dark to rustle softly at us. Maya kept testing her boundaries; first growling, then chuffing, then a light bark, followed by something more substantial... to which one of us would remind "Maya, no barking" and she'd dial it down a notch. Our property is full of life, creepy crawlers, skunks, coyote, dogs that run free, cats, gofers, birds that twitter throughout the night, things I have yet to see!

After a while, Lily started to wind down in her daddy's arms and he took her back downstairs to the cave. She settled to sleep easily and he returned to me, our fire, the chuffing dog and our warm mugs of tea. We sat and chatted, something that we forget to do with the constant chatter of the television in the evening. I forget what silence sounds like. Must turn that thing off more often and sit outside with my family.

Lily is growing so quickly, so ready to take those first steps or speak that first word. I feel like she may get away from us if we don't remember to slow down and just sit in front of a fire sometime. There are times when I want to just freeze her for a moment... just watch her in these perfect moments. Then I find myself so eager to hear what she has to say about the world, what she thinks about, what she feels. I can't wait to see her running across the yard, down the hillside and into the dry ravine. Is it possible to want her to never grow up and yet, be excited about her growing up all at the same time?

I don't know that I have ever felt so much in all my life. It's so wonderful and so intense and not like anything I could have expected.

Every morning, Lil and I come upstairs to the deck and we walk to the edge (well, I walk, she rides in the comfort of my arms) and I say "Good Morning, Morning! Good Morning Trees! Good Morning Bees!..." etc. This morning, as I approached the edge of the deck Lily babbled to the exact tune of my "Good Morning, Morning." Floored me... she's so close to making these huge breakthroughs. Before I know it, I'll be chasing that girl around and having real conversations with her!

Here's what I've learned from having Mark out of town on a gig: I could handle this parenting gig on my own, but I really don't want to. It's been OK... hard, but OK. Our friends have been great, checking in on us and coming over with dinner and giving me a break while I take out the trash or clean up something. Lily has been so clingy lately and I must be in her range of sight at all times... preferably within four feet. She's just having a hard time... missing her daddy and dealing with teeth. She's also on the verge of walking; you can see her mentally planning her path and then she'll kinda start off... only to sit down hard and crawl to her destination. She's able to hover in a standing position for a moment or two, but doesn't yet have the strength or coordination to keep it going.

We went to story time at the Mission Valley Library on Monday and a dad there noticed her standing for a second before she went down and said, "wow, she's about a month away from walking!"

Freaked me out.
Big time.

I'm not ready for her to walk... too bad it's not about me!

Anyway, she's sleeping now and that's a good thing. Managed to clean up the kitchen, eat something and well, type this.

Just to be clear... I LOVE this kid. Parenting is hard, but it's a good kind of hard. A learning kind of hard. A hard that I am willing to accept any day of the week... even when I am tired, haven't showered for days, and downright loopy. She rocks my world, every moment of every day. She's my favorite topic, my saving grace, my first sight in the morning and the last thing I want to gaze upon before I go to sleep. What do I do with all this love?

Ah, just live in it. It's all good.

Today Lily is Nine-Months-Old. She's officially lived out of the womb as long as she lived inside! I guess this means she's decided to stay for a while. YEA!

The eight hour stretches of sleep I talked about in March 7th's post didn't stick. She's been constantly on the move these days, even while she sleeps. I've heard other parents talk about how right before their child make a developmental breakthrough (walking, talking, etc) they will go through a restless phase where even as they sleep they are "processing." She's on the verge of walking and her sporadic sleep may have something to do with that. She can now easily stand, she furniture walks and is taking little adventurous moments of standing alone... for about 30 seconds before she *fwump* is back on her butt. You can see that she just really wants to walk and is annoyed that she can't yet do so. She is strong willed, our girl. We can already see it. So determined and intent on her goal, whatever it may be. So full of joy, as well. She LOVES getting her tummy zerberted and will laugh and giggle as you tickle her. She loves the cat and the dog and will climb all over Maya if given the chance. The kitty still won't let Lily close enough, but boy will Lil chase that cat around, giggling, and just hoping for a chance to touch her soft fur.

Lily is still going for the solid food, big time. If she sees one of us eating she is personally offended if we don't give her some. I've started giving her canned fruit in the mornings (along with her favorite: cheerios) as it is soft and can easily be cut into pieces she can handle. Constantly amazes me that she can eat as much stuff as she can. Thursday night she ran off with a huge triangle of pita after shunning the little pieces I'd torn off for her. She ate most of the pita and then fed the rest to the dog, giggling wildly as Maya licked the treat from her fingers. She feeds the dog whatever she can and the dog has become her most constant companion. Even when I put Lil down for a nap, the dog now insists that she stay with her. Maya will come running if Lily is crying and gets very upset if there is a door or person keeping her from her crying "puppy."

Despite the teething, which frequently causes fussy days or nights, Lily is at such a fun age. So personable, so full of smiles and giggles, so incredibly her own person. And while I am exhausted, I so enjoy every moment of our life with her... we are blessed.

Check out this new "hot topic" Mercury in Seafood.

And yet, it's considered perfectly safe to inject our children with mercury in vaccinations?

My Uncle went after me recently about not vaxing Lily and I didn't want to get into it with him at the time. But it constantly amazes me that people are so unaware of the extra CRAP in vaccines and feel like I'm being an irresponsible mother if I don't shoot her up with these poisons. People don't do their research on vaccines; they just buy into the story that they are perfectly harmless and saved the world. Never mind that some of the diseases we're on the decline at the time that the vaccine was introduced. Never mind that a little of the things we vaccinate for are relatively harmless when treated properly. Never mind the MASSIVE numbers of children being harmed by vaccines each year. Want more info? National Vaccine Information Center.

We've been without internet for a couple of weeks during our move, so I'll try to give some highlights:

Lily cut her first tooth on February 21, the day before we moved out of our townhome and into my moms for a week. Fourteen people showed upon Sunday, the 22nd to help us move out... reminding us how very loved we are.

On Mark's 36th Birthday (the 28th), we moved into our new home... 15 people showed up to help us with that one.

We spent the week cleaning and unpacking like madmen getting ready to have our first party in the new home... a baby shower here for Matthew and Michelle. It was fun and we had a great turnout of mostly family.

Lily cut another tooth, starting sometime last week. She also developed an eye infection and we spent a couple of days calling her "ol' squinky eye" as she giggled around a swollen and goopy eye. We finally gave up on the breastmilk cure and called the doctor. Now she's getting eye drops four times a day and improving rapidly.

She bit me for the first time during the party on Saturday. I'd taken her downstairs for a nap and was giving her a quick nurse before I put her to bed. Just a little nip, to which I responded with a dramatic no, closed up shop and told her "no biting!" She was very unhappy with the instant removal of her favorite toy and so, I'm hoping she'll get the connection.

OH! Lily has slept eight hours in a row twice during the last week. We've moved her to the crib (still in our room) and she's sleeping better in it. Makes me a little sad as I really loved having her in with us, but hey, it's not about me. We still take her into our bed when she awakes around 5am and she nurses and cuddles until we get up and start our day.

She's NUTS for solid foods and asks for them now.

I think that's the most of it. We've decided to hold off a bit on the house warming party. Let the weather improve and get a little more settled so we can really show the place off. And on that note, I have work to do.

One week until we load up a truck with all our possessions. We started packing up the office today... a daunting task that made me want to hyperventilate. We have packed away so much PAPER in our life. I let a lot go. I should go to FlyLady and post the pounds lost from my life. At least we don't have to move it. We're trying to slim down... heck I found stuff in there from High School! Tomorrow we're going to have to finish up the office and then take on another room. Mark claims that the other rooms will go faster but I am definitely feeling the stress on getting this place packed while chasing a curious infant. Lily is into everything and if we don't keep an eye on her, everything is in her mouth. As long as a taste won't hurt her, we let her have a go.

Anyway, must get myself off to bed. Am so tired these days. Lily's teeth want to come out and say hi but as of yet... nothing. Apparently, I got my first tooth at six months but hit all my other milestones at about the same rate Lily is.

BED.

Lily learned to clap! She sits and rocks and claps her hands together with a big grin on her face. Although, sometimes she claps while crying... so sad.

Check this out when you can. Random enjoyment for a tired mind.

What to see where I've been?



create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide




create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

Monday and Thursday are my days off and I usually spend them running around, girly in tow, trying to get all the errands done that I can. Yesterday, Lily and I spent a day taking it easy and enjoying each others company. Granted, I did three loads of laundry and a grocery trip, but other than that, we just chilled. While she napped, I lay next to her and read The Da Vinci Code while occasionally transferring laundry lazily between washer and dryer. We played with toys in the living room and "talked" about what we'd buy at the store. We cranked up the music and danced wildly and with many shouts of joy and waving of arms from the girl. There's something about dancing wildly with a baby in arms that makes you understand the term "full of joy". I felt this amazing warmth flow upwards from my root chakra, filling me with this overwhelming happiness that made me want to weep. Lily expresses joy so openly, honestly... no worries about how she may look in the process. Made me feel free to just let go, jump around like an idiot and feel her joy fill me.

I had a perfect moment of happiness.
Nice.

In these days of teething and cranky tears at 4am (hers and mine) this perfect moment of joy renewed me... made all this worth it. One look into her amazing toothless grin and I know that I will never be "just me" again. I am so in love with this child; with her ability to love and evoke love; with the wonder of seeing the world anew; with the simple act of dancing your joy and calling out in wonder.

If you've never done it, you really must. Hold a wonderful baby in your arms, crank up the music and just dance! It will get you, every time.

7 1/2 months:
Lily's having a blast these days, crawling, pulling up to stand, bouncing, and trying very hard to balance on her own. When I try to help her, she pushes my hands away, insistent she figures this out on her own... although to her credit, she rarely falls on her head anymore! She can even go up and down a couple of stairs now, although the down isn't nearly as pretty as the up! She babbles all the time, is fascinated by faces and will pull at noses, cheeks, ears... whatever she can sink her finger into. She loves it when Mark or I read to her and would eat up the books if we let her. We know this because she actually consumed some of the California Primary Supplemental handout… I could still read the politics after she digested it (ick). We've started some solids although she's still nursing like a champ. Overall, life seems pretty grand and while we have yet to see a tooth in that smiley mouth, our randomly cranky baby says one may be on its way.

Last night we went to see Hamlet at Lamb's Players Theatre and left the little Lil with my mom. She had napped really well while spending the day with her daddy and so, when deposited at my mothers, spent the evening playing and laughing and crawling happily about. My mom said they had a great time! When we arrived just after midnight to pick her up, however, she had suddenly reached her limit and as I stepped from the car heard angry wails from my sweet baby. As I had already had a bit of a leak at the cast party, I went running for my girly! After just a quick nursing session, she was ready to play again. We got home around 1am and put our sleeping baby directly to bed... where she stayed until almost 11am! She woke to nurse around 7am and I actually got out of bed (feeling refreshed, rested, HAPPY) around 9:30 and baked a coffee cake, did some cleaning and just generally felt better than I have in a LONG time. It's a wonder what some good solid sleep will do for you.