Some more lactivist political humor: Hathor the Cowgoddess.

what sleep deprivation will do to you...
or
running with scissors...

So, I'm tired... Lily's been sick, as have Mark and myself... sleep has been challenging, to say the least. Also feeling a little cabin fever... even when I do get out, I'm limited by what I can do because there is this little binken attached to me. Today, at Costco, we were looking for a new beard trimmer for my husband when we came across a little haircut kit. Had a shaver in it and was a great price, so we bought it.

I have long curly hair. It's my biggest asset (as far as purely physical stuff goes) and Mark LOVES it. Today, I pulled out the neat little scissors from the kit and well, cut it. I don't have a clue why I did it or what the plan was. It's got these strange layers in it... thank goddess for the curl as it kinda covers up the job I did. I didn't go too insane... it's not super short or anything, but it's noticeable to those who know me. Maybe I did it so I'd HAVE to go have it professionally done. Maybe I'm going slowly insane. Maybe I just really need a nap.

Part of me thinks that when a change is needed, it happens. Even if it happens in such a way that you are suddenly looking at a pile of hair on the bathroom floor. I don't actually regret this... find it humorous, more than anything else. Mark just smiled and told me to cut it all if I want too... he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. Maybe that's what I needed to hear. Maybe it's my guides saying "Hey, let's see if she's listening"... although it felt more like it happened before I really knew it. Ah well, it's just hair.

So our Lily is sick. She's had a fever since Wednesday (the 17th) and we've seen some vomit, lots of snot, the fussiest little pout you ever did see, and mostly the back of her as she sleeps sleeps sleeps sleeps! Babies are so much smarter than us adults. Lily gets sick so she goes to sleep. Period. She doesn't try to get the laundry done, wash dishes, wrap presents, grocery's, etc. Granted, she has people for such tasks. Mark and I are also not so well... and thus, we've been bastards to each other. Something about taking care of a sick baby while sick yourself... that'll put a strain on a marriage! We had a good talk last night while Lily slept against my chest. No worries.

We took Lil to an acupuncturist on Friday night and saw an amazing turn around. But then, with Mark's brother here for a visit, we spent too much time out and about on Saturday and she got sick again. So, we go back today for some more needling. She doesn't even notice them, which isn't surprising when you look at how thin they are and how briefly they stay in. Julie just inserts the needle, stimulates it, and out it comes. Hoping it will help again and she'll be a little less miserable. I'm missing her smile.

Love this site:A Magical Childhood. It has some wonderful ideas such as Monkey Hugs, Happy Buttons, etc and all sorts of other things to do to make your child's life magical, whimsical, and wonderful. For instance, she talks about writing your child a letter telling them why you love them. Got me thinking about my little Lil and what, specifically, I love about this child.

She has the most amazing smile I have ever seen.

She lights up when she looks at me or Mark.

She starts giggling before you zer-bert her.

I love the way she touches my face when nursing.

She waves at people.

She's simply the most wonderful person I have ever held in my arms.

I could go on for days and I so look forward to getting to know her, what she thinks about the sky at night, the sound of her voice when she says "I Love You". As much as I love each moment of her life, I can't wait for each NEW moment. I'm so in love and watching her be sick is so hard. I just want her to always know how very much she is loved... every second of everyday. Besides, I need something to hold onto when she's 16 and decides to rebel...

Yesterday, Lily woke up looking a little shiny eyes... she felt a little warm, but not too hot. Took her to my moms so I could go unpack the new office and she slept a lot, then threw up once after eating. Mark brought her home and we took her temp. About 103. Then two more episodes of vomiting (not spit up, vomit... really not fun). She slept fitfully, needed lots of personal time with Momma, Daddy isn't enough. I'm tired.

Anyway, if you want something to really make you laugh, check this out: Alora and read the entry for December 15. Almost peed myself.

Back to bed.

Lily is having a rough day.

She spends about 30 minutes crawling around (in her half assed, downward-dog kinda way), complaining and grunting all the time, then finally breaking down into dramatic tears, her whole body racked with sobs. So, I go get her, cuddle her for a while as she sucks her thumb and whimpers pathetically, sometimes needing nursing, and either falls asleep or decides that she's ready to play again, and it starts all over.

She's slept more today then she has in a long time and, as a result, we're not going to get the groceries done today. Ah well, these things are not as important as learning how to crawl. At least the laundry is getting done! Yea!

Anyway, my girly is getting frustrated again and so I'm off to give mommy comfort...

We're supposed to be at a LLL meeting today, but Lily crashed out right after Daddy left for work and has been snoozing peacefully ever since. She's still getting over her cold, so I thought it best to just let her sleep. Ah well, we'll still go have lunch with Dad.

Talked to Jen today about her three-week-old Ian. She had questions about diapers, colic, etc and low-and-behold, I had answers. It feels good to be able to take my last six months and make it help someone else.

Yesterday we attended two birthday parties, one for her Uncle Chris and one for Collin and Mark. Lot's of fun watching her chase a water bottle all over the floor while Sarah showed off her fabulous crawling ability and swooped in to get the bottle first. She's almost to that level... just a month or so and she and Sarah will be crawling heats! Baby wrestling is fun too! Gotta go get the girly, she's calling for her momma.

Lily has figured out the joy of raspberries... not the kind you eat, but the kind that make a big wet mess and cause giggles. She's not very good at them yet, but she's defiantly working on it.

She's had a very clingy day. I suspect incoming teeth, but we've been suspecting that since she was three-months-old. Ah well, it could be a while... might as well get comfy. Right now she's eating some toys after having a bath and some naked time with Daddy. Babies really seem to enjoy naked time... at least this one does. She rolled around on the carpet flapping her arms and legs and going "ah ha!"

We went to Windmill Farms today and got a load of groceries. We used Lily's new Ultimate Baby Wrap and she spent most of the time reaching up to touch my mouth. She'd be all nice and soft hands until, out of the blue, she'd suddenly grab my lips and attempt to rip them off. Now that's good stuff. She got her usual ration of attention and got to do some serious flirting with a bag boy. She sure likes boys...

Anyway, am enjoying this bit of time while Mark has the binken. Must go eat something sweet to celebrate!

Lily is trying her hardest to crawl. She gets up on all fours and rocks and complains and squiggles and falls to her belly to wave her arms and legs. Sometimes she pushes up with her legs and does this kinda walk forward thing... very cumbersome. She gets so frustrated. Nice thing is, she can get around a bit as is, she'll roll and rock and sit and wiggle. SO ACTIVE! all the time. She's so busy with her toys and studies them so intently. So much going on in that little brain of hers.

Working is going really well for me. I am enjoying the time to focus on something non-baby. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being with Lily, but it is really good to put my brain in another space. It's taking some doing to get back into the swing of things, it's like I just don't think as quickly as I used to! I'll get there... but part of me will always be thinking about that little girl. Ah parenthood, it changes EVERYTHING!

We've all got a cold bug and are nesting in. Lily is full of snot and coughing and really quite unhappy with the whole ordeal. Mark and I have sore throats and are dragging...

BUT! the really important news is that Lily has a new friend in the world! Alora and Dougg had baby Marisa on Friday (her due date) at Best Start. Everything went really well; the baby is healthy and the parents are thrilled. We're going to swing by today and drop off some meals. I've put together a chicken dish, some ham, a meatloaf, a box of mac and cheese, some garlic bread... oh yes, and some yams from Thanksgiving. Hmmmm.... food.

Anywho... Lily is sleeping and I really should take this opportunity to take a nice hot steamy shower. Hmmmm... shower.

We've all got a cold bug and are nesting in. Lily is full of snot and coughing and really quite unhappy with the whole ordeal. Mark and I have sore throats and are dragging...

BUT! the really important news is that Lily has a new friend in the world! Alora and Dougg had baby Marisa on Friday (her due date) at Best Start. Everything went really well; the baby is healthy and the parents are thrilled. We're going to swing by today and drop off some meals. I've put together a chicken dish, some ham, a meatloaf, a box of mac and cheese, some garlic bread... oh yes, and some yams from Thanksgiving. Hmmmm.... food.

Anywho... Lily is sleeping and I really should take this opportunity to take a nice hot steamy shower. Hmmmm... shower.

Not much new here in our lives. I've started working part time (only one day a week at this time) and Lily is learning that Grandma's house is a fun place. My mom is learning that you can't get a thing done with Miss Lily about! Last Friday she took Lil to a concert at Church where they listened to a friend sing show tones. Lily did very well and even sang along a few times. She was adored by my moms friends, a lot of which don't yet have grands of their own. This child will have no shortage of love in her life and that's just the way I like it.

Mark has started doing a WONDERFUL thing for me. When he gets up in the morning he takes Lily with him. She plays with toys downstairs and "chats" with Dad until it's time for him to go to work. Then he pops her back into bed with me, where I can usually nurse her back to sleep for an hour or so. This is greatly making up for the lost sleep at night and making life so much sweeter for me. I was getting to be a real grumpy gus for a while and was not so kind to those around me. She's sleeping really well, for the most part. Some nights, she needs to be cuddled close and will stir a lot. Those nights I don't get such great sleep as I am so aware of her little body pressed to mine and it's wiggling!

This morning when Mark dropped her back into bed with me she wanted to nurse, but was fascinated by my wild hair (which likes to puff out in all directions in the morning). She would reach and reach and if she managed to get a tuft would very curiously... YANK on it. Not so much fun. I'd be happy to let her feel my hair if only she didn't want to feel it so hard. So I smooth it away from her and this pisses her off to no end.

Now that it's getting colder, I have the joy of little cold hands (and sometimes feet) on my skin when she nurses. Oh that's cold...

Anyway, life is good and only getting better every day. TTFN.

SHE CAN SIT UP! Lily is totally sitting up on her own! OK, so she still throws herself over from time to time, but she's doing it.

Oh God... crawling is next.

Started back to work yesterday and Lily stayed with my mom. We're easing back into it. Just doing Fridays in November, adding Wednesdays in December and then dropping Mondays into the new year. It was really hard at first... I arrived late as it took a little longer than expected to leave my girl. Wanted to burst into tears as soon as I got there, but once I started working, I felt better. So much to do with this position, I am eager to get things going, yet a little overwhelmed at all that needs to happen.

I was away from her for about six hours and I returned to my moms to find Lily wrapped in a soft blanket and snuggled sleepily against my mom. Mom says she didn't get anything done all day... just Lily. Even when the baby slept, she said she sat next to her and read. It is so hard to get anything done with that sweet little face looking up at you. I only get the luxury of typing this while she's sleeping in her cradle.

Allyn comes for another visit this weekend. Her sister is due at anytime and so they are having a baby shower for her tomorrow. She is always so pleased to see the little girl she helped usher into the world... and I think Lily "knows" her to.

I am so tired this morning. Mark is driving back from a gig in Palm Springs this morning and last night didn't go so well. Lily was just wiggly and demanding and actually needed a diaper change in the middle of the night. He'll be home in 20 minutes or so and then maybe I can have a shower and a nap. He has stuff he needs to do, but he's going to have an emotion, evil wife if I don't get a little time to myself.

Ah, yes... on that note, the baby stirs. I must attend to my beautiful, needy little babe.

Lily has almost figured out the sitting up thing. She can often catch herself as starts to topple over, but for the most part is still flinging herself around and getting frustrated. She giggles, "talks", has discovered that when she screams, everybody pays attention, and is generally having a great time. She has also started sucking her thumb... her left thumb. Vikki says this is no indication that she may be left handed. Mark's hoping that she'll be ambidextrous. She'll just be.

Oh yes, and she went to her FOURTH wedding in her four and a half months of life this last weekend. John and Oreet were happily wed on the 8th... the same day as the beginning of the Harmonic Concordance, a full moon AND a lunar eclipse. Good day to marry, don't you think!

Other news: we're in escrow on this amazing piece of property with a funky house on it. Two acres of land with some fruit trees, ample parking, it's perfect. We get to take possession mid-December, but will probably move in after the new year.

Life is good!

We have found a home and may be in escrow by the end of the week. It's an awesome home that is unlike anything else we've seen out there. Sits on two acres and has all this livable outdoor space built into the home. The bedrooms are separate from the main part of the house and it's just really awesome! I've already started imagining where things will go, where Lily will play, all that. It's fun!

Milton is coming for a visit and will get to meet Lily. I wish SuSu and Anna could come too, but ah well. Mark's out of town again, but comes back tomorrow, so he'll only miss about 24 hours of Milton's stay.

Ah, and once again, my sweet baby girl is awakening and so I must finish this post. Cheers.

Lily has been restless, not sleeping during the day unless I am holding her or laying next to her, and quite frankly, a cranky-puss since the fires started. Today, the sun is coming through our upstairs windows bright white, rather than the burnt orange that we have been seeing. And, low and behold, Lily is taking a nice nap... alone... first one in days.

Mark is back to work and while the air is still bad, it's so much better. There is ash everywhere, major clean up to do. My father returned to his shop yesterday, the fire stopped less than a mile from the business. Luckily, he had released the majority of the customer cars on Friday and had moved almost all the rest into the bays before they left for the weekend. So, while the parking lot was a mess, the cars we're tucked safely inside, out of the ash and smoke damage. He and Sandy had also evacuated their home, but returned to no damage... just lots of ash fallout.

Ah, have more to say, but Lily is awake.

San Diego is burning. Friends Jeff and Rebecca, who live in Scripps Ranch with their four children, have had to evacuate their home. Rebecca is out of town, so it's up to Jeff to move the kids out. I'm hoping that they are somewhere safe. My father and his wife just fled Tierrasanta and his business is being threatened. Mark Seaman is taking the kids to Grandma's and is worried about their Clairemont home.

The air is thick, smoky. I haven't been able to walk Maya. They're asking that people stay off the roads and keep electricity use to a minimum. This fire has already consumed over 80,000 acres. It's frightening. I don't think it'll come here, but friends and family are in our hearts.

Talked to Kiki in Chicago and she is frustrated because she can't get info. She, along with Mark, are now on my call list. Wild...

We awoke this morning to a warm red light in the bedroom, darker than it should be for 7am, and a warm wind blowing the curtains in the bathroom. When I looked out the east window, the sun hung low in the sky, a big red ball hanging in dark clouds. Went downstairs with Maya and Lily and stepped outside to a world covered in ash. As Maya did her business, I saw cars covered, the wind blowing sweeps of ash across the sidewalks, this strange dim, red world. This was the headline when I turned on the computer this morning: Brush fires burning across county.

Reminded me of when I was in High School and another fire swept across the county. I was standing in back of the store when I worked, under an awning while snowy ash fell from the sky. I put my hand out into it and caught a perfect leaf, white veins, careful ridges, all of ash. When I touched it with my index finger it disintegrated into nothing. It was awesome. Fire is a powerful thing.

I called Mark, who is working in Palm Springs the last four days. He says it's been so dry that everything is chapped. He and Nancy will check the news before heading home tonight so that they don't drive to close to the blaze. Told him how much we all need him... told him to come home safe.

The world is covered in ash and it is so beautiful and scary and amazing and... powerful.

OH! Lily is four months old today!

Lily is rolling and rolling and rolling... all over the place! It's no longer safe to put her down for a nap in our bed, she keeps ending up in drastically different places from where I put her down. The cradle from Grandma Lu is coming in handy. When we move, we may actually have to get her a crib for naps as she will quickly outgrow that cradle.

Besides, with the heat lately, sleeping upstairs during the day has been a problem anyway. The other night, at about 1am, I took the futon mattress off the office bed and dragged it downstairs because I simply couldn't sleep in the heat. Downstairs is usually about 10 degrees colder! Had two hours of deep, blissful, dream-filled sleep before I awoke to cries from my sweet hungry baby. By the time I got upstairs, Mark had managed to rouse himself and had picked her up, but was looking a little bleary and confused. I took her back down with me and we slept on the living room floor together.

Which brings me to night time parenting. We've determined that Mark is free from night time duty as he works with power tools all day. Last thing you need is a carpenter falling asleep at the table saw. He will, however, always take over when he wakes to find me holding Lily up and saying loudly and firmly "Mommy is so tired, why won't you go to sleep, Mommy NEEDS you to go back to sleep!" or "I HAVE TO PEE... PLEASE LET MOMMY PEE!" LOL! Then he knows I'm a bit nuts from fatigue and will happily jump in. This seems to work alright most of the time. Sometimes though, I'll admit that I just really want to be the one that is not responsible. Sometimes, I want to take off this horrible, yet wonderful burden of being the only thing that keeps this baby alive day in and day out. Don't get me wrong, someone else would care for Lily if I were gone. But since I am here, she is all mine. Mark is GREAT and takes wonderful care of both of us, but when you get right down to it, this baby is my responsibility. This can be crushing. And it can be so exhilarating... to be so needed.

And then...
And then...
And then she opens her eyes and looks up to see her mommy looking down at her and this brilliant, wonderful, heart-breaking, brilliant, warm smile opens up across her face and her eyes dance with this awesome light...
And then...
And then...
And then my heart opens up with such joy. Such pure passionate joy that this child, this beautiful bundle of sweet baby, loves me. Loves me and needs me and wants me.
And she may not always feel this way.
But she does right now.
And that is enough for this mom.

Heading off to Glen Ivy Spa today to celebrate a friends upcoming marriage. Rebekah and I will drive up together and leave Lily with her daddy for the whole day! They're going to take the dog for a walk, hang out some and maybe even go to Costco.

I will be happily lounging in the pools, wallowing in the Mud and checking out their new feature: The Grotto. Should be a very nice day and a much needed break from my wonderful, yet needy little babe.

Last night, I fell asleep while nursing Lily and this somehow gave her the idea that I should spend the entire night in this position. Every time I tried to put her away from me so I could get some good sleep, she'd awake and demand her boobie back. Finally, around 5:30 in the morning, I sat up, told her loudly and firmly that I had to pee and I had to get comfortable. While this proclamation did nothing for her, it alerted my dear husband that I had HAD it and needed him to do something with this child. So, he snuggled her up, worked her legs (she is calmed by having her legs brought up towards her chest and then back down, "lather rinse repeat") and within five minutes, she was out.

It just seems that if I try to put her down to sleep, she wants me to keep her near. But if Daddy puts her down, she's OK with just sleeping. Not always the case, but in those difficult times, I just have to say THANK GODDESS FOR DADDY!

I'm off to luxuriate...

Yesterday at Dr. Joe's, Mark remembered to point out Lily's foot. Her right foot points outward all the time and while you can comfortably move it straight, it pops right back into place once you let it go. So, Dr. Joe stripped her down and worked with the hip and leg a bit. He seems to think it's not a big deal, that with massage, stretching and her regular adjustments we can fix the problem before it becomes a problem. Since she's not yet bearing any weight on her feet, it's not going to be an issue until that point, so we have some time. I asked about x-rays and he seems to think that's premature.

Called Elizabeth and asked her if she'd be willing to work with Lily. She's all over it and willing to show me what strokes and what-not I can do to help. She also has a friend (who I've met and adore!) named Rosa who is helping teach infant massage at ISPB so I'm hoping to get some input from her as well.

I'm in overkill mode... instantly jumping to research and resources. This may not even be a problem, but I tend to want to know EVERYTHING I can. Dr. Joe said he'd go home and study up on the issue as well. It's amazing how mother bear instinct takes over and you just want to hold your baby and will away a potential problem. Good to know that she's not hurting and I just really don't want her to ever hurt!

Ah ha, and now my dear sweet baby bear is waking and I must go rescue her from the bed!

Today Lily and I get to go to the third wedding of her life (#4 is next month). Bill and Christy are getting married after something like 12 years together. Should be a really fun wedding!

Lily is rolling over and over on the floor while "watching" the Wiggles. She seems to like the songs and is having a grand ol' time while I get to have some breakfast and check email. She can now roll front to back AND back to front. I'll put her on the play mat in the living room and inside of 10 minutes she's off on the carpet. She's so busy now, so much to see and do for such a little girl. Yesterday she was actually awake more than asleep. Oops, gotta go, she's getting fussy and bored with the floor.

Vikki comes home tonight for the weekend. Tomorrow, Lily and I get to go see her and the rest of the girls for lunch. Lily has grown so much in the last month, I wonder how drastic the change will be to Kiki. We miss our Kiki girl, but are so proud of her for taking this opportunity to get some distance and figure stuff out. Such a beautiful woman.

On Wednesday our real estate agent came by to show us a few more properties. Lily, who up until this point has giggled a little, found Bob so funny that she spent a good ten minutes laughing at him enthusiastically. Long enough for Mark to go and grab the video camera to get some of it on tape. My cheeks were hurting from all the smiling at her as she rocked back and forth on my lap, reaching out and giggling so sweetly! Just made me realize that things are going to get more and more fun with her, while simultaneously becoming more and more difficult! I am so looking forward to her becoming a little girl with expressed thoughts, ideas, brilliant awakenings to the world around her. How can so much promise be contained in such a little being? Sometimes it physically hurts to even think of what we would do without her. Even while I'm thinking longingly of those days when I slept in and jumped into the car to go off somewhere on a moments notice, I still cannot imagine my life without her.

This morning Mark got up to go to Dr. Joe's and I asked him to bring Lily so I could get a little extra sleep. She had been fussing and nursing since 5am and I hadn't gotten to sleep last night until about midnight. So, off they went together and I settled back into sleep. Dreams, dreams, dreams are so wonderful, even when they are odd and confusing. When they returned, Mark laid Lily down next to me and we slept for another hour together. It is really nice having Mark home in the morning! He's been doing so corporate work, so his hours suck (home late), but at least I get him in the morning so I can sleep and shower in peace!

And now it is about time for Lily to wake from her nap, so I will finish this before she starts hollering for her mum.

So, we made an offer on the home mentioned in October third's later post. It was countered with an insane price increase, but without the promise to take care of all the repairs it needs. No go. We get to keep looking. But, as Laurie reminded me over the weekend, it just means there is a better home waiting for us. It also gives us a chance to get our townhome ready for sale and on the market. And that's just fine with us. I really did like the house and got excited about making an offer, but hey, we can allow the universe to find us a kick-ass home if it wants to! And I was feeling stress about selling the townhome in such a tight a turn-around.

When Mark called to tell me that we weren't going to be getting the home, I looked over at Lily at told her "we're not going to live there" and she replied with a full body wiggle and smile. So, I guess she's cool with it.

It's October, the time of the harvest and this week at Medicine Lodge, we talked about what we are harvesting this year and what we are setting aside. I realized that one of the things I needed to put aside is the idea that we're just looking for a place to live; were actually looking for a HOME (yes, in all caps). Here's what I wrote about it in ML:

I am creating a home for my family. A HOME. A place that is not transient, a place for us to settle. This is my Harvest. A Home. We have laid the foundation, we have built a frame. We are ready to call Home.

I see the garden, the goat pulling a weeds while the chickens peck at seeds. I see Lily running across the yard, sunlight in her hair and that brilliant smile across her perfect face.

I see Mark in his shop, glancing out at our daughter from time to time, bending down to her as she excitingly shows him a caterpillar, or leaf or exquisite blade of grass. I see great meals, cooked by my hand with our own vegetables and eggs our chickens have gifted us, stirring in the sweet goats milk.

I see incredible love as Mark and I create another child and birth him in the space where he was conceived.

I see showers with Lily crawling around at my feet, soaking in the warm soapy water that slides off my back, my hair, my breasts.

I see family dinners, full of laughter and debate, where our children eagerly tell us of their day while eating good whole dinners I have created for them.

I see Maya running across the grass, barking at the chickens as the fearlessly peck at her in annoyance.

I see Millie sitting in a window, methodically cleaning herself the way cats do, stopping to watch a hummingbird pull nectar from a nearby flower.

I see my amazing family
living in a HOME
a special place
with wonderful neighbors.
Strong trees.
Fruitful trees.
Overflowing garden.
Thriving family.
Growing children.
Happiness and peace.
a home
A Home
A HOME.

So, we looked at the "slightly out of our price range" home and it was awesome. The house was bigger, more airy and with exposed beams; yard big enough to play football in and a fairly new hot tub. Felt so much better than the other one and we like the neighborhood better. So now we're all gung-ho on this house and will see what we can do to make it our price range without over extending ourself. Exciting time!

We got a new computer and in all the hype of switching things over and getting it to work properly, I've been somewhat lax on checking in to this journal. We've also been looking for a home as we are ready to move on from the awesome little townhome we've spent the first part of our life together living in. Yesterday, we drove out to a home on the North edge of El Cajon. It's 13,000 square feet, 3 bedrooms, two baths and while the home is in need of a lot of work, it sits on 1/2 an acre and has a pool in the backyard. We're going to go look at another home today that is a bit out of our price range, but I have a feeling we'll be making an offer on this El Cajon home. It even has enough room for me to host La Leche League meetings!

Pretty exciting time in our life.

And now, I must run off for a shower before Lily awakes!!

Read an article today called Restoring Harmony by Abigail Warren. It talks about how a child needs a mother that is calm, centered and in control. A child pushes for control only to see if Momma will stand firm, because they need someone to show them how to interact in the world. Based on Jean Liedloff's book, The Continuum Concept (see The Liedloff Continuum Network - Home Page for more info) and Attachment Parenting, as well as reading up at AskDrSears.com, as well as a basic human instinct, we had decided to practice the "old way" of parenting and baby wear, co-sleep, cloth diaper, etc. Something that some people refer to as "Child Centered" Parenting. I have been somewhat confused on what this really means as far as my wants and needs. This article helped clear this up a bit. Reminded me of what Elizabeth and Dean are always saying "If Momma's not happy, nobody's happy". This doesn't mean that I need to be selfish or disregard Lily's needs. Rather, it reminds me that she picks up on the emotions I may think I can conceal from her. Just last week at the Birth Center the midwife was checking me out and discovered that I was going to need some help in healing from Lily's birth; that at over three months, I shouldn't be in such pain. So, as they were working on me, one of the other midwifes held Lily. I was doing my best to not show Lily that I was in pain, but she picked up on it anyway, looking intently at my face and staring into my eyes as if to ask me what was happening. Even my smile and reassuring words didn't work, she knew something was happening with me and wasn't sure how to react. Mark later pointed out that she listens to my breathing all the time and that a person in pain breathes very differently. I thought I could keep something like that from her, but the reality is that she lived inside me for almost a year and since then has spent a grad total of maybe 10 hours away from me. She knows me and I'd be a fool to try to convince her of something that is simply not true. I need to be happy in order to help her be happy. This is why, I think, kids become so angry when their parents marriage is suffering. Especially when their parents are trying to conceal the truth from them. You are showing them one thing and telling them another... it's confusing. So they act out.

The best thing I can do for my daughter is to live my life with honesty. Will this be hard for me to do? I don't know. I do know that if I am thinking about doing something like going back to school or getting a job or staying home or... (well you get the idea) then I need to explore these ideas so that I can be a happy Momma. I need to show my daughter what it is to live within your own skin and enjoy the fit. I need to show her what happiness is so that she may know how to have it in her own life. I need to encourage Mark to do the same (although he's already pretty good at it, as many men are!).

Wow. Didn't expect to have so much to say. Don't even know if I ended up saying what I started out to say. And now my beautiful daughter is fussing and I need a shower and I have laundry to finish... ah life!

Lily is much better this morning. She is still sleeping with the quilt our friends made for her resting across her body. The fever is down and she wasn't so restless last night. Yesterday at Dr. Joe's, Mark was holding her while I got my adjustment and she just cried and cried and cried. I had never heard her cry like that before and it scared me. Once I was done, I took her from Mark and she settled down. Usually, she's all about Mark in the evenings, but last night she only wanted her momma. Mark made dinner and cleaned up while I just held and held and held her. I wrapped her in her quilt last night and felt comforted by the thought of her body warmed by all those wishes and love that was drawn and then stitched into the blanket. Almost like the quilt has super powers! It can heal her, body, mind and spirit. We have the most amazing friends.

Lily's fighting something. She's been sleeping like a newborn, has a fever of about 101 and is really irritable. She's not nursing well (keeps pulling off, wailing, then takes two sucks, pulls off, etc) and keeps arching her back. My common sense says she's just got a touch of something, but since we still haven't picked a ped, I'm harboring visions of some horrid thing that would be obvious to a "real" doctor.

Talked to Heidi and she gave me some reassurance. If Lily's not better by the morrow, we'll try to get in to see someone.

I'm feeling painfully new to all this.

Lily's fighting something. She's been sleeping like a newborn, has a fever of about 101 and is really irritable. She's not nursing well (keeps pulling off, wailing, then takes two sucks, pulls off, etc) and keeps arching her back. My common sense says she's just got a touch of something, but since we still haven't picked a ped, I'm harboring visions of some horrid thing that would be obvious to a "real" doctor.

Talked to Heidi and she gave me some reassurance. If Lily's not better by the morrow, we'll try to get in to see someone.

I'm feeling painfully new to all this.

You awoke full of energy, wiggling like a little mad-woman, feet kicking, arms waving, full voice as you chattered away at the ceiling, at Daddy's back; squirming sideways in bed so that your crown was pressed to Daddy and your feet could kick at the air where Mommy had just been. I watched you from the bathroom mirror, giggling at you until my laughter woke your Dad and he rolled over, smiled at you and snuggled your crazy limbs close. On the changing table, your wiggling rose to gymnastics, back arching, legs firmly slamming to the surface while arms made manic circles in the air. Facing the wall you announced "ahhhh, ah OH!" with such joy and mouth open in a huge smile, enjoying being naked and clean. Your smile is infectious... it makes my whole body resonate with joy and I wonder how we ever got so lucky as to have you in our lives.

Just checked out a Chinese Gender Chart to see if it correctly predicted Lily's gender. She was conceived in October of my 27th year and low and behold, it says she was to be a she! Pretty nifty. I guess it had a 50/50 chance, so I shouldn't be so surprised. Still pretty nifty. Check it out and see if it's correct with your own children and let me know.

Your mom is so cruel.

Yesterday, we got up early and went to a La Leche League meeting in Chula Vista. From there, we went and had lunch with Dad, then to Costco and finally to Dr. Joe's where you wailed at me the whole time. I got the one minute adjustment so that you wouldn't have to be screaming in the car seat for too long. You only got a total of 1.5 hours of sleep through all of this... you usually get about five hours during the day (more or less). Ouch. Cranky girl. I was trying to get dinner together and clean up the kitchen while holding you in the sling, but you just wouldn't stop fussing. In desperation, I finally put you down in the cradle and walked away. You cried for about a minute or two, quickly turning into your exhausted cry and then dropped off to sleep for a couple of hours. We had an appointment to interview a pediatrician, but I called and rescheduled as I couldn't fathom putting you into the car again.

This morning, you awoke at 7am and nursed back to sleep within about an hour. You're still snoozing, the cat curled up at the end of the bed, keeping an eye on you. Dad and I were both up at 4am with a sick cat. Millie's food seems to go bad at a certain point and she can't seem to keep it down. It was actually kinda nice to have a few moments together in the middle of the night. You were sleeping (you'd nursed only an hour earlier and would nurse again in another hour) and once the cat was cared for, I looked at your dad and just enjoyed his profile in the dark. I love the quick little moments we share: a light touch from across the bed as you sleep soundly between us; both of us marveling at your beauty as we watch you sleep; a peck on the cheek as he walks past me, bouncing you in his arms; listening as you coo happily at your daddy and the joy in his voice as he replies with "I'm your daddy!" Life is so sweet with this sweet little girl!

Lily is sleeping. She's gotten really good at sleeping at night. We're up to regular eight hour stints. Never to sleep before 11pm, but usually stays asleep (except for an occasional snack) until about 7am. Having her in bed with us has made life so easy! I don't even really know how many times we nurse at night as it's become something we can do in our sleep! It'll be really nice when she's a bit more mobile and can latch herself on. She's getting so big and pudgy... up to about 12 pounds.

Whoops, figures she'd wake up just as I was talking about how great she sleeps! Mark is tending to her at the moment, but she's probably hungry.

OK, my little nursling is happily eating.

She's recently discovered her hands and spends most of her awake hours checking them out and trying to figure out how to suck her thumb. No luck, thus far. She keeps tucking in her thumb just as it gets close to her mouth. She's getting so interactive: smiling up at me as she nurses; cooing happily as we change a diaper; reaching and batting at hanging toys. She is so strong and prefers standing (with help) to sitting. What an amazing girl!

Had a party at Elizabeth & Dean's for my birthday this year (don't you just love them?) Kept it small and only invited a few people so I wouldn't do that stupid thing I do (which is worry about everyone else having a good time and end up having a crappy time myself). Vikki is taking off for three months in Chicago on Sunday, so she spent a good hour or so cuddling a sleeping Lily. We have a beautiful photo of her and Lil which I'll try to get on the website as soon as possible.

It was so nice to spend some time with everyone and just really enjoyed having a chance to catch up... and felt so loved!

Today is Clarise's third birthday and we will have a little party up on the mountain. Last night, we slept in the trailer in the woods. Maya growled and chuffed a bit at random noises. Lily didn't fuss too much and then slept pretty well throughout. It was so dark, I couldn't see her until dawn started to break, something that doesn't happen in our home in the city. Made me nervous... Lily's been doing great up on the mountain and there have been many hands to hold her and show Lily off to the forest. Everyone is so surprised by how much Lil sleeps. We're so used to it. Yesterday, when we arrived on the mountain, we went on over to the Palomar Mountain Fire Department BBQ and had a yummy plate of meat, salad, beans, etc. Even Maya got to sit with us. Today will be sandwiches in the airstream. We may stay one more night... may not.

Oh, more for the mountain! Today, while the guys and Michelle were off sending wood through the chipper (Lily and I were playing in the airstream) they ran across a yellow jacket nest. Next thing we know, the whole group is running, flailing their arms and yelping their way back to us. Mark got stung on the forehead and then noticed one furiously trying to sting his glove. Mike got hit a bunch of times, as did Michelle (he head got attacked like Tippy Hedron in "The Birds"), Uncle Bob. Only Cousin Jim was spared!

You slept from 11:40 last night until 7:20 the next morning (today)! Almost 8 hours of sleep and boy is Mom happy! At around 5 am, you started to stir, so I stuck a binky in your mouth and you settled back doen. We head up to the mountain today to help the O'Neill's with clearing/chipping the forrest. Well, Mark will help as I need to care for you. Your first camping trip!

Today, you showed Mom that you are not just a lump. I set you down on the bed after changing your diaper and headed into the bathroom to rinse you dipe and toss it in the pail. Next thing I hear is a huge thunk, followed by wailing. You had kicked your way right off the bed. I scooped you up, started bawling along with you, and held you close. Called Laurie and blurted out (without so much as a "hello" or even identifying myself) "I dropped her! I mean, she fell off the bed!" Lucky for me, Laurie figured out who I was and what I was bawling over and reassured me that you were likely OK. Mark showed up soon after and together we checked you over for signs of damage. I feel like the luckiest idiot on the planet.

You had an eventful weekend. Yesterday, you got to meet your great-grandparents, John & Margaret Jennison. We took the dog to the beach and had her back home by noon, when you daddy suggested we drive up to Hemet to introduce you to the great-grands. They were thrilled to meet you and called Aunt Babe to come take a look at you too. You smiled for Grandpa John as soon as we arrived and he spent the whole rest of the visit talking about how cute your smile is. Then he took us out to dinner and gave us a check for $100. That’ll pay for about 1/3 of the cost of your cloth diapers… so Wahoo! We had a great visit and got some photos of you with them. They were just so thrilled to meet you and thought you were pretty amazing (I agree).

On the way home, we saw a huge fire off in the direction of your grandpa Gingery’s house and so I gave Sandy a call. 30 acres burned in Mission Trails (a place you will get to know very well when you are older). Didn’t come near them. It’s been so hot lately that we finally broke down and turned on the A/C. You’ve been wanting to nurse a whole lot more as well, which I am assuming has to do with you trying to keep hydrated… smart baby!

You gave your mom a run for her money last night. Wouldn’t settle down until after midnight. I feel sorry for Keith who’s bed is one the other side of the way from ours and must be tired of listening to you wail. I was so tired and you were so tired and neither of us was getting any sleep. You awoke again at about 5am and wouldn’t go back to sleep for another hour. I’d be fine if you would lay quietly and play with your toes or something, but if you’re awake, you want to be moving! Bounce, bounce, jiggle, jiggle, pat, pat, “please baby, please go back to sleep, Momma is so tired!”

We had a bath this morning in the tub. You fussed when I first slid you into the water, but calmed down quickly. Then you got a quick massage and a clean onsie. Went for a walk with the dog, which was cut short due to Maya’s insistence in chasing a cat.

Things are getting better in the sleeping department. You’ve been really gassy and hurting at night lately and over the last few nights, with the help of colic tablets and working with you to head off the squalling, we’ve been able to make some progress. You’re so beautiful to sleep with, snuggled against my body, warm and sweaty. It’s been very warm lately, some nights we’ve just had you in a diaper. Your grandma Janis came to see you today and, once again, you slept through her visit. If I didn’t keep an eye on her, she’d wake you up just so she could interact with you a bit. It’s my job to take care of you and Daddy’s job to take care of us. So tired… and you’re about to wake up again.

Took you to PB to check out a resale shop. Got you a diaper pail for the cloth diapers that are on their way, a book about Baby Sign Language (which I fully intend to teach you), and a slightly faded Baby Bjorn baby carrier. As much as I love the Maya Wrap, I’ve been having some pain in-between my shoulder blades and wanted to try a carrier that went over both shoulders. So, when I saw it at the store, I tried it on and slid you into it. You went right back to sleep and snuggled happily at my chest for the rest of the trip. I was tagged for $35, but I got the owner to give it to us for $30. Daddy loved it when he tried it too.

After Sunkissed Kids Shop, we went to visit your great-grandparents. They were thrilled to see you, as always and your great-grandpa Ben cracked me up by saying to your great-grandma Lu (after you got fussy in her arms) “she don’t want those dried up old titties! She wants her momma’s titties!” So, I nursed you back to sleep and then took you home.

We went to our first La Leche League meeting today and met some other granola type moms… and some not so granola moms. It was good and I’ll most likely become a member. From there, we went to see Dad at work and had lunch with him, then to Target to stroll among the baby items and exclaim about their cuteness. Then to Dr. Joe’s and THEN finally to home. All told, we were out and about from 9:30 to 4 pm, a personal best for us, Kido. When I got you home, you dropped off to sleep in my arms, once again using my boob as a pillow and, after a while, I transferred you to the cradle. About half an hour later, you let out this sad wail and could not be consoled until I nursed you again. You sounded to sad and confused… not at all like your angry or hurting cry. I guess you awoke and couldn’t feel me near you and found it so disturbing you just had to let me know about it. That cry just hurts me.

You have been really gassy lately and it looks like I may have to start eliminating food from my diet to see if that’s what’s affecting you. Really don’t want to give up dairy, so hopefully its something else. Donno. You scream from 10 to 1 at night (not always for the full three hours) but you just sound like you’re hurting and I can’t stand the thought of you in pain.

Must make some dinner, Daddy’s back from walking the dog.

Went to lunch today with Lindsay, who stage managed Red Diaper Trilogy. You were cooed over by people walking by, in the restaurant, lots of people. You are just so darn cute… even when you are squalling. I fed you, which quieted you right down, then tried to eat with a squirmy baby in my lap. I ended up with food on my pants. What fun. But hey, it’s a small price to pay for such a beautiful child. Tomorrow we’re going to check out a drum circle in Solana Beach with John and Oreet and then having dinner them, Chris and Rebekah and Chris’s brother Nathan and fiancée. Then on Sunday, we go to the HypnoBirthing Reunion to show off our beautiful girl.

It is so hard to keep track of the days anymore. We had my six-week check-up yesterday, but couldn’t do my pap, as I am still too sore. Got you weighed, however and you are just less than 10 pounds! Am amazed at how quickly you are growing. Right now you are sleeping on my chest. So far you’ve slept enough for me to get my chores for the day done! Yippee! Am looking into Baby Sign Language classes for you, Daddy and me. I can’t wait to start communicating with you. It’s got to be so frustrating to be confined to only one “word”. You can’t tell me what’s wrong, only that something is making you unhappy. Then I have to try to figure it out. Sometimes, I get so frustrated with you and I know it’s not your fault…

I need to get some food in me.

You must be growing again. You’ve spent all day wanting to nurse and cuddle. I put you in the cradle and you sleep for maybe half an hour and then you’re fussing and unhappy. You’ll only sleep happily (and you even giggle) on my chest. So, we haven’t been out of the house today except for the short walk we took the dog on. Having the dog home this week has kinda sucked. Daddy is working at the Lyceum this week, loading out 1776 and loading in Cotton Patch Gospel. Maya’s been depressed and walking with you strapped to me has been a little stressful. Maya is still not so great at restraining herself when she sees a cat or something gets her excited. So, I dread walking her and lead her on short walks, which just makes her unhappy and restless.

Your head is so soft. I just want to pet you all the time. And you have the longest eyelashes I have ever seen. I don’t know if you can ever know how much I love you. When you have a child of your own – and I dearly hope that you will some day – then maybe you’ll understand how deeply you can love. I can’t wait to get to know you. To really learn about you as a toddler, child, teen, adult. Lily, you are full of promise and wonder and joy. My life is complete with you in it. I feel like it all makes sense, even when nothing else does. Thank you for choosing us. LOVE!

You are five weeks old today.
Missed writing yesterday. Ah well. We went to the beach with the dog again. You slept in the sling and seemed happy. Then did some shopping and to Cousin Ben’s graduation party. Pat and Terri bought him a brand new truck. Don’t be expecting anything like that at your High School graduation… just not gonna happen! Wasn’t feeling so great when we got home so I took a bath with you wailed at Dad downstairs. We decided to bring you into the tub in hopes of calming you down a bit. Worked ok until I decided to see if babies really do have a natural instinct to hold their breath when their face hits water. You swallowed a little water and started screaming… bad Mommy. Today has been much better. You let me sleep pretty well last night and this morning, when we decided to go to breakfast at the Studio Café, we ran into your Grandpa and Grandma Gingery. So, we had a lovely time with them. Daddy has to work today; he’s loading out 1776 at the Lyceum now. You just had a nice dinner and are drifting off to sleep at my breast. Love watching you sleep… you suck in your lower lip just a little so it’s all lopsided. Very cute.

You made me cry again last night. You wouldn’t stop screaming and after almost three hours of being up with you, walking with you, rocking you, bouncing you… whatever, I finally burst into tears and took you to your daddy. He woke up, said “Oh Honey, give me the baby” and held you until you finally went to sleep and stayed asleep. Took him a while too. Gave me the opportunity to pee, calm down and become a rational human being again.

You have been sleeping most of today. We went to playgroup today at Mission Heights Park. When we arrived, there was a dog sleeping under the playground main structure, just a puppy really. I went to say hello, and while it was a friendly puppy, he was a little wary of letting me catch him. He had a collar, but no tags and before long a police officer showed up and we tried to catch the puppy together. No luck. So, I went back to sit with Teresa and Robert while the police officer played with Dario (16 months and LOVED the big guy in the uniform). Before too long, the puppy came to say hello to you and little Robert and then rolled over to have his belly scratched. I was able to get ahold of his collar (he started to bite me and then thought better of it) and I held onto his scruff until the officer could come put a lead on him. Animal control came and got him. According to a neighbor, the puppy had jumped his fence (yet again) and the owners were walking the neighborhood looking for him. The animal control officer thought it best to take him in, as they wanted to impress upon the owners the importance of properly caring for their pet. You and I got sticker police badges for our help in the “arrest”. Of course, you slept through the whole thing…

Well, in classic one-day-is-nothing-like-the-next fashion, you have spent the whole day sleeping. We went to a resale shop in Pacific Beach and picked up a glider rocker for $40 (what a deal!), stopped off to see your Grandma at the church and then had lunch with Elizabeth and Vikki. Oh, and we picked up a new collar for Maya as she snapped hers in half last night while trying to chase a cat. Tonight we all go to Dr. Joe’s for a HypnoBirth talk. We get to talk about your birth and how HB helped us. Should be spiffy. Also put together a testimonial for Dr. Joe’s business, which I will include below.

Watching you sleep and you are so amazingly beautiful.

You had a rough day. Allyn headed home to Chicago after 5 weeks of caring for us and you spent the day feeling horrid and squalling. Think maybe you’re a bit gassy and feeling uncomfortable. So, you slept in fits today, waking to cry or fuss. It wasn’t until your Grandma Janis came by with dinner that you settled into a good solid sleep… much to Grandma’s dismay. She wants to play with you when she comes to visit and you are usually sleeping. I’ve explained to her that sleeping is what infants do, but she is so in love with you she can't stand watching you sleep when all she wants it to play with you! If I left her to her own devices, she’d tickle you awake and then wonder why you were grumpy. She and Steve brought us pizza (first pizza since you were born) and salad from Grandma’s garden. Oh, I learned how to embroider and have been having a blast putting fun little things on your tee shirts and onsies! I guess I’ll have to become domestic now that I am officially a stay-at-home-mom. I’ll have to figure out cooking and cleaning… ick.

Today you are one month old and I have been woefully negligent on keeping track of what’s going on in your life. I want you to be able to look at this and see what life was like you were a newborn. So, here’s the quick entry for today. Allyn (who has stayed with us for the last five weeks) goes home tomorrow and so we went out to dinner to say thank you and to celebrate your first month on the planet. You slept through the entire event, even while being fawned over by the waitresses and patrons at Kemosabe’s. We had a great dinner. You are bright, aware, beautiful, amazing… well, we’re just all in love with you. About 8 and a half pounds (haven’t weighed you in a while…) and 22 inches long, you are fleshing out nicely. Getting all pudgy and even more adorable. Not letting us sleep so well these days and I had one heck of a horrid headache last night, so Daddy had to take care of you. We love you.

I meant to start this journal on the day you were born, but things get a little crazy when you bring a new baby home. Our home was full of guests, all bearing food and gifts. Thank Goddess for Allyn, keeping things clean and the guests organized. Don’t know what we’d have done without her.

Highlights from the month I missed:
You got your first chiropractic adjustment at 10 hours old.

Your grandma Heidi came down to visit during your first week and I nursed you at the Kensington Coffee Company.

You went to two forth of July parties. One at Kirsten and David’s where the acting community got a chance to see you. Then on to John and Oreet’s house where we walked up the street to his sister’s house and mixed with a large group. We left as the fireworks started (I was way to tired to stay up).

You met Box Office people at Lamb’s and staff at Mainly Mozart.

Went to the mall and generally out and about on a regular basis.

You took a trip to the dog beach (Coronado) where we walked and watched Maya romp in the surf and nursed.

You went to two weddings. One for Doug and Alora on July 19th (where I nursed you through the ceremony) and one for Rebecca and Jeff on the 20th (where I nursed you through part of the ceremony).

You were a busy baby…

Lily's Birth.

Sunday, around noon, I started feeling some "stomach cramps" and thought that maybe I'd eaten something that disagreed with me. Your father and I were at Ikea, picking up dressers for our bedroom as we had rearranged it so that it could accommodate your dresser/changing table. Your daddy took me home and I went to bed, took it easy for the rest of the afternoon while he went out and bought the "Daddy Chair." Then around 6pm, you decided to make it very clear that you were on your way (since I obviously wasn't getting the message) and, while snuggling on the bed with Mark, I felt your water brake. Allyn, who was staying with us for a month, had just gotten onto the phone with Erich and while I went to the toilet, your dad went to let her know what was going on. I called my mom, dad, friend Elizabeth and Vikki. Told them what was going on, but assured them it would probably be "hours before this baby was born". I slipped into the bathtub for a bit, wanting to get cleaned up and figuring I’d enjoy an hour or so of quiet laboring in the warm water. Within 10 minutes, my contractions were about three minutes apart and lasting about a minute long and getting incredibly intense. I moved back to the bed, wrapped in my big blue robe that once belonged to my Great Aunt Laura. Your dad was with me, talking quietly and stroking my back through each contraction. I, at one point, turned to him and said, "I can’t do this." He smiled and replied, "You are doing this." I shot back, "I’m afraid" and lost myself in another surge. Once I said I was afraid, it was like an amazing release and I became somewhat less panicked about what was happening to my body. Allyn called the birth center and spoke with Roberta (our midwife) and then handed the phone to me. She listened to one of my contractions, and I remember hearing her say to someone "Oh yeah, we’re going to have to go back" (apparently she’d already delivered a baby that day). Roberta asked to meet us at the Best Start Birth Center at 8:30, which was in about an hour and a half.

We had ordered a pizza from Woodstocks just before my water broke, so after the extremely freaked out pizza delivery lady left (she let Allyn sign on Mark’s credit card because he was still with me) we packed that up and headed off. We had to stop on the stairs as I dropped down to have another contraction, then one in the dining room and a final BIG one outside the garage door, where I sat down and couldn’t move for what seemed like hours. I even remember seeing a car drive by and thinking, "Gee, it must look really weird with a woman sitting on the ground, wrapped in a blue robe, wearing tennis shoes (no socks) and with a man crouched over her." The drive went smoothly enough, with your father obviously trying to avoid any bumps, potholes and whatnot. I remember it being very quiet… strangely quiet, although this was probably the labor speaking.

When we arrived at the Center, I was already dilated to 7-8 centimeters and well on our way to pushing. Allyn got on the phone and started calling all that I wanted there, telling them to hurry. I remember feeling hazy, already in transition. Your father tells me that Roberta was surprised by how far along I already was and stepped out to call our nurse, Ruth. Insanely fast and furious, I had a little trouble with my brain catching up with my body. But with some AMAZING people there to help us through – namely: Allyn, who flew in from Chicago for the event; long time friend Vikki; Elizabeth, who just had a beautiful daughter of her own about two months ago; Elaine’s mom Janis; and birth center staff Roberta and Ruth – all went remarkably well. I labored on my knees for a while, with my arms and head up on the birth ball. But, before long, my legs started feeling really weak and trembling with the effort of being on my knees. I went to roll to my side and somehow ended up on my back. You daddy was up above my left shoulder, speaking words of encouragement and stroking me. Vikki was on my right, helping me hold up a leg. Allyn was holding my left leg, my foot planted in her neck (I was concerned about that…) as she applied hot towels to my perineum to lower the chance of tearing. Your grandma Janis was standing to my right, holding a mirror so I could watch while Roberta sat by quietly. Ruth took notes as Roberta reported to her what was happening. Neither had to do much as my crew of girls and your daddy were AMAZING. I didn’t have to push for long; you were ready to come. I’d push real hard, breathing down and out and then pause to moan "baby come out." There was a lot of laughter and joy as you were born... and (admittedly) a lot of noise. I remember thinking that each pause between pushes was very lengthy, but your daddy says I only paused for 30 to 60 seconds. I saw your head as you were crowning, and though I was getting tired, the sight of your sparse hair pushing out at me gave me a new burst of energy. You slipped out easily after your head popped out. One more push had the bulk of your body out and Roberta told me to "reach down and take your baby" and I slid you up to my chest. Yes, childbirth was painful, but never unbearable. It was so much more joyful than I expected and so perfect. Daddy and I were so wonderfully supported and loved throughout that the Birth Center staff had little to do. You were in my arms by 10:03 pm after your daddy had joyfully announced that you are a girl. He cut your cord and put you into your first diaper (after you peed and pooped on me!) as I got cleaned up. Six pounds, 14 ounces and 20 inches long.

The room got even more crowded once we were ready to great our fans! Grandpa Rich, Aunt Rebekah and Uncle Chris, and Grandpa Steve all came in for pizza and adoration of the newborn! It was the most amazing experience we ever had… so wonderful, so beautiful, and so perfect you are. We loved you from the minute we laid eyes on you (well before that actually). I had a burst of energy after you came out and wanted to go home right away, but was bleeding pretty heavily and decided to stay put until morning.

We left the birth center at 7:30 the next morning and ran by Dr. Joe's to get you your first chiropractic adjustment (and to get me back in place after my hips doing such an insane move…). Then home to the loving arms of friends and family where you will forever be welcome!

Lily’s stats:
Born on June 22, 2003
at 10:03 pm
after only 4 hours of very intense labor
6 lbs 14 oz
20 inches