Little secrets.

I don’t have many and they are not earth shattering, so don’t be expecting much folks. While walking to lunch today, I just started thinking of these things and figured I’d put them to paper (or html… or whatever this is). This installment is about Lily’s birth.

My mom was in attendance but totally freaked out. She was convinced I was going to tear since I had no interest in an episiotomy. I tried to explain to her that they don’t even do them routinely anymore, but she was just freaked and stood there the whole time with tears running down her face. We thought she could maybe hold the mirror so I could get a view of Lily crowning, but that didn’t work so well… her shoulders were shaking with her tears and Mark had to keep getting her to rearrange for us. Consequently, the first glimpse I had of my daughters head, I thought she was coming out face first… but from the depths of labor land, it looked like she had this insanely small face in the midst of a huge head. I know now that I was looking at the top of her head, not her face at all, but it still kinda wierded me out. Thought I was birthing a freak.

My mom’s 2003 Christmas letter contained news of her first grandchild’s birth. I cannot remember the exact phrase, but she made a big deal out of me saying “wow, that hurts” when Lil was crowning and the whole ring of fire stage hit. I had felt so empowered and fantastic about my first birth experience until I read that. To me, her experience of it made it seem pain filled, which it was not. I felt like she had painted an image of her weak, scared daughter instead of the powerful mama I felt I had been. I’m over it now; I know it was her view of Lily’s birth from a place of fear. But dammit, it still pisses me off sometimes.

I was actually worried there was something wrong with me when I didn’t cry the moment I first held her in my arms. I kept searching for it… wondering if I was a total freak as every single TV show and movie I had ever seen included a tearful “hi, baby” moment. Worried that I wasn’t feeling what I should. I felt tired and hungry. A couple of days later found me gazing down at her sleeping form in my arms and blubbering like an idiot, so I guess I’m normal.