My posts are all so sappy these days. But I’m a pregnant lady with sappy hormones, so what do you expect from me?

At our birthing class last night we talked about our fears. I found it interesting that the women were mostly afraid of being unsupported (by their doctor or family, for instance) while the men were all afraid of externals (getting transferred to the hospital from the birth center or being a “host” at a homebirth). My fear has a lot to do with the fact that Lily came so fast, I worry that we’ll not be able to be safe in our home… stuck at the mall or at someone else’s home. Mostly, I worry that Mark won’t be here and I’ll be alone.

We were given the task of looking at our fear, seeing it happen and then painting how we’d cope. How we’d make it the best possible experience, even in the face of our fear. I put the image of being totally alone in my mind and this is what I painted:




I discovered that even if I am alone, I am not. I know what to do in my mind, heart and body… and my baby knows what to do as well. And even if Mark isn’t with me, he will be supporting me. I am not the first woman to birth alone and if it happens that way, I will have the love and support of countless women who have gone before me.

I had another realization as well. Lily’s birth was heavily attended (see her birth story for more on that). I remember a whirlwind of activity and a feeling like I was surrounded at every angle. I realized last night that while that was perfect for her birth (I so needed that support), I want this child to enter the world with less of an audience. I dreamed last night of being in labor and all I could see was Mark. He filled my vision and locked into my gaze. I felt myself sink into his beautiful eyes; eyes the color of coffee with cream just swirled in; the same eyes my daughter laughs up at me with. I saw the midwife coming quietly in, checking in on me and then going away again. I saw a very private and spiritual experience where Mark and I welcomed our child our way… whatever that will mean. And I saw the celebration. I saw our newborn wet and squalling in our arms as we welcomed Lily into the scene. I saw her cubby little hands pointing at her new sibling and the grin across her face at the joy in our eyes. I saw everything I want and saw that it is all possible.