Lily has been restless, not sleeping during the day unless I am holding her or laying next to her, and quite frankly, a cranky-puss since the fires started. Today, the sun is coming through our upstairs windows bright white, rather than the burnt orange that we have been seeing. And, low and behold, Lily is taking a nice nap... alone... first one in days.

Mark is back to work and while the air is still bad, it's so much better. There is ash everywhere, major clean up to do. My father returned to his shop yesterday, the fire stopped less than a mile from the business. Luckily, he had released the majority of the customer cars on Friday and had moved almost all the rest into the bays before they left for the weekend. So, while the parking lot was a mess, the cars we're tucked safely inside, out of the ash and smoke damage. He and Sandy had also evacuated their home, but returned to no damage... just lots of ash fallout.

Ah, have more to say, but Lily is awake.

San Diego is burning. Friends Jeff and Rebecca, who live in Scripps Ranch with their four children, have had to evacuate their home. Rebecca is out of town, so it's up to Jeff to move the kids out. I'm hoping that they are somewhere safe. My father and his wife just fled Tierrasanta and his business is being threatened. Mark Seaman is taking the kids to Grandma's and is worried about their Clairemont home.

The air is thick, smoky. I haven't been able to walk Maya. They're asking that people stay off the roads and keep electricity use to a minimum. This fire has already consumed over 80,000 acres. It's frightening. I don't think it'll come here, but friends and family are in our hearts.

Talked to Kiki in Chicago and she is frustrated because she can't get info. She, along with Mark, are now on my call list. Wild...

We awoke this morning to a warm red light in the bedroom, darker than it should be for 7am, and a warm wind blowing the curtains in the bathroom. When I looked out the east window, the sun hung low in the sky, a big red ball hanging in dark clouds. Went downstairs with Maya and Lily and stepped outside to a world covered in ash. As Maya did her business, I saw cars covered, the wind blowing sweeps of ash across the sidewalks, this strange dim, red world. This was the headline when I turned on the computer this morning: Brush fires burning across county.

Reminded me of when I was in High School and another fire swept across the county. I was standing in back of the store when I worked, under an awning while snowy ash fell from the sky. I put my hand out into it and caught a perfect leaf, white veins, careful ridges, all of ash. When I touched it with my index finger it disintegrated into nothing. It was awesome. Fire is a powerful thing.

I called Mark, who is working in Palm Springs the last four days. He says it's been so dry that everything is chapped. He and Nancy will check the news before heading home tonight so that they don't drive to close to the blaze. Told him how much we all need him... told him to come home safe.

The world is covered in ash and it is so beautiful and scary and amazing and... powerful.

OH! Lily is four months old today!

Lily is rolling and rolling and rolling... all over the place! It's no longer safe to put her down for a nap in our bed, she keeps ending up in drastically different places from where I put her down. The cradle from Grandma Lu is coming in handy. When we move, we may actually have to get her a crib for naps as she will quickly outgrow that cradle.

Besides, with the heat lately, sleeping upstairs during the day has been a problem anyway. The other night, at about 1am, I took the futon mattress off the office bed and dragged it downstairs because I simply couldn't sleep in the heat. Downstairs is usually about 10 degrees colder! Had two hours of deep, blissful, dream-filled sleep before I awoke to cries from my sweet hungry baby. By the time I got upstairs, Mark had managed to rouse himself and had picked her up, but was looking a little bleary and confused. I took her back down with me and we slept on the living room floor together.

Which brings me to night time parenting. We've determined that Mark is free from night time duty as he works with power tools all day. Last thing you need is a carpenter falling asleep at the table saw. He will, however, always take over when he wakes to find me holding Lily up and saying loudly and firmly "Mommy is so tired, why won't you go to sleep, Mommy NEEDS you to go back to sleep!" or "I HAVE TO PEE... PLEASE LET MOMMY PEE!" LOL! Then he knows I'm a bit nuts from fatigue and will happily jump in. This seems to work alright most of the time. Sometimes though, I'll admit that I just really want to be the one that is not responsible. Sometimes, I want to take off this horrible, yet wonderful burden of being the only thing that keeps this baby alive day in and day out. Don't get me wrong, someone else would care for Lily if I were gone. But since I am here, she is all mine. Mark is GREAT and takes wonderful care of both of us, but when you get right down to it, this baby is my responsibility. This can be crushing. And it can be so exhilarating... to be so needed.

And then...
And then...
And then she opens her eyes and looks up to see her mommy looking down at her and this brilliant, wonderful, heart-breaking, brilliant, warm smile opens up across her face and her eyes dance with this awesome light...
And then...
And then...
And then my heart opens up with such joy. Such pure passionate joy that this child, this beautiful bundle of sweet baby, loves me. Loves me and needs me and wants me.
And she may not always feel this way.
But she does right now.
And that is enough for this mom.

Heading off to Glen Ivy Spa today to celebrate a friends upcoming marriage. Rebekah and I will drive up together and leave Lily with her daddy for the whole day! They're going to take the dog for a walk, hang out some and maybe even go to Costco.

I will be happily lounging in the pools, wallowing in the Mud and checking out their new feature: The Grotto. Should be a very nice day and a much needed break from my wonderful, yet needy little babe.

Last night, I fell asleep while nursing Lily and this somehow gave her the idea that I should spend the entire night in this position. Every time I tried to put her away from me so I could get some good sleep, she'd awake and demand her boobie back. Finally, around 5:30 in the morning, I sat up, told her loudly and firmly that I had to pee and I had to get comfortable. While this proclamation did nothing for her, it alerted my dear husband that I had HAD it and needed him to do something with this child. So, he snuggled her up, worked her legs (she is calmed by having her legs brought up towards her chest and then back down, "lather rinse repeat") and within five minutes, she was out.

It just seems that if I try to put her down to sleep, she wants me to keep her near. But if Daddy puts her down, she's OK with just sleeping. Not always the case, but in those difficult times, I just have to say THANK GODDESS FOR DADDY!

I'm off to luxuriate...

Yesterday at Dr. Joe's, Mark remembered to point out Lily's foot. Her right foot points outward all the time and while you can comfortably move it straight, it pops right back into place once you let it go. So, Dr. Joe stripped her down and worked with the hip and leg a bit. He seems to think it's not a big deal, that with massage, stretching and her regular adjustments we can fix the problem before it becomes a problem. Since she's not yet bearing any weight on her feet, it's not going to be an issue until that point, so we have some time. I asked about x-rays and he seems to think that's premature.

Called Elizabeth and asked her if she'd be willing to work with Lily. She's all over it and willing to show me what strokes and what-not I can do to help. She also has a friend (who I've met and adore!) named Rosa who is helping teach infant massage at ISPB so I'm hoping to get some input from her as well.

I'm in overkill mode... instantly jumping to research and resources. This may not even be a problem, but I tend to want to know EVERYTHING I can. Dr. Joe said he'd go home and study up on the issue as well. It's amazing how mother bear instinct takes over and you just want to hold your baby and will away a potential problem. Good to know that she's not hurting and I just really don't want her to ever hurt!

Ah ha, and now my dear sweet baby bear is waking and I must go rescue her from the bed!

Today Lily and I get to go to the third wedding of her life (#4 is next month). Bill and Christy are getting married after something like 12 years together. Should be a really fun wedding!

Lily is rolling over and over on the floor while "watching" the Wiggles. She seems to like the songs and is having a grand ol' time while I get to have some breakfast and check email. She can now roll front to back AND back to front. I'll put her on the play mat in the living room and inside of 10 minutes she's off on the carpet. She's so busy now, so much to see and do for such a little girl. Yesterday she was actually awake more than asleep. Oops, gotta go, she's getting fussy and bored with the floor.

Vikki comes home tonight for the weekend. Tomorrow, Lily and I get to go see her and the rest of the girls for lunch. Lily has grown so much in the last month, I wonder how drastic the change will be to Kiki. We miss our Kiki girl, but are so proud of her for taking this opportunity to get some distance and figure stuff out. Such a beautiful woman.

On Wednesday our real estate agent came by to show us a few more properties. Lily, who up until this point has giggled a little, found Bob so funny that she spent a good ten minutes laughing at him enthusiastically. Long enough for Mark to go and grab the video camera to get some of it on tape. My cheeks were hurting from all the smiling at her as she rocked back and forth on my lap, reaching out and giggling so sweetly! Just made me realize that things are going to get more and more fun with her, while simultaneously becoming more and more difficult! I am so looking forward to her becoming a little girl with expressed thoughts, ideas, brilliant awakenings to the world around her. How can so much promise be contained in such a little being? Sometimes it physically hurts to even think of what we would do without her. Even while I'm thinking longingly of those days when I slept in and jumped into the car to go off somewhere on a moments notice, I still cannot imagine my life without her.

This morning Mark got up to go to Dr. Joe's and I asked him to bring Lily so I could get a little extra sleep. She had been fussing and nursing since 5am and I hadn't gotten to sleep last night until about midnight. So, off they went together and I settled back into sleep. Dreams, dreams, dreams are so wonderful, even when they are odd and confusing. When they returned, Mark laid Lily down next to me and we slept for another hour together. It is really nice having Mark home in the morning! He's been doing so corporate work, so his hours suck (home late), but at least I get him in the morning so I can sleep and shower in peace!

And now it is about time for Lily to wake from her nap, so I will finish this before she starts hollering for her mum.

So, we made an offer on the home mentioned in October third's later post. It was countered with an insane price increase, but without the promise to take care of all the repairs it needs. No go. We get to keep looking. But, as Laurie reminded me over the weekend, it just means there is a better home waiting for us. It also gives us a chance to get our townhome ready for sale and on the market. And that's just fine with us. I really did like the house and got excited about making an offer, but hey, we can allow the universe to find us a kick-ass home if it wants to! And I was feeling stress about selling the townhome in such a tight a turn-around.

When Mark called to tell me that we weren't going to be getting the home, I looked over at Lily at told her "we're not going to live there" and she replied with a full body wiggle and smile. So, I guess she's cool with it.

It's October, the time of the harvest and this week at Medicine Lodge, we talked about what we are harvesting this year and what we are setting aside. I realized that one of the things I needed to put aside is the idea that we're just looking for a place to live; were actually looking for a HOME (yes, in all caps). Here's what I wrote about it in ML:

I am creating a home for my family. A HOME. A place that is not transient, a place for us to settle. This is my Harvest. A Home. We have laid the foundation, we have built a frame. We are ready to call Home.

I see the garden, the goat pulling a weeds while the chickens peck at seeds. I see Lily running across the yard, sunlight in her hair and that brilliant smile across her perfect face.

I see Mark in his shop, glancing out at our daughter from time to time, bending down to her as she excitingly shows him a caterpillar, or leaf or exquisite blade of grass. I see great meals, cooked by my hand with our own vegetables and eggs our chickens have gifted us, stirring in the sweet goats milk.

I see incredible love as Mark and I create another child and birth him in the space where he was conceived.

I see showers with Lily crawling around at my feet, soaking in the warm soapy water that slides off my back, my hair, my breasts.

I see family dinners, full of laughter and debate, where our children eagerly tell us of their day while eating good whole dinners I have created for them.

I see Maya running across the grass, barking at the chickens as the fearlessly peck at her in annoyance.

I see Millie sitting in a window, methodically cleaning herself the way cats do, stopping to watch a hummingbird pull nectar from a nearby flower.

I see my amazing family
living in a HOME
a special place
with wonderful neighbors.
Strong trees.
Fruitful trees.
Overflowing garden.
Thriving family.
Growing children.
Happiness and peace.
a home
A Home
A HOME.

So, we looked at the "slightly out of our price range" home and it was awesome. The house was bigger, more airy and with exposed beams; yard big enough to play football in and a fairly new hot tub. Felt so much better than the other one and we like the neighborhood better. So now we're all gung-ho on this house and will see what we can do to make it our price range without over extending ourself. Exciting time!

We got a new computer and in all the hype of switching things over and getting it to work properly, I've been somewhat lax on checking in to this journal. We've also been looking for a home as we are ready to move on from the awesome little townhome we've spent the first part of our life together living in. Yesterday, we drove out to a home on the North edge of El Cajon. It's 13,000 square feet, 3 bedrooms, two baths and while the home is in need of a lot of work, it sits on 1/2 an acre and has a pool in the backyard. We're going to go look at another home today that is a bit out of our price range, but I have a feeling we'll be making an offer on this El Cajon home. It even has enough room for me to host La Leche League meetings!

Pretty exciting time in our life.

And now, I must run off for a shower before Lily awakes!!