Mark and I were talking today about the fact that when Anya was born, I felt an emotional disconnect from Lily. I wasn’t too worried about it as she is very connected to Mark (and he to her) and so I knew she’d continue to get what she needed emotionally from her father. I figured it was nature’s way of making sure my newborn got what she needed from me and is kept safe from the foot flinging wildness that is her toddler older sister. “Lily, stop. Be careful. Do you see where your feet are? GRRRRR!” The growling gets her every time. It’s not that I have shut her out; I’ve just focused my affection on Anya. Mark admitted that he felt way more connected to Lily and feels like he doesn’t really know Anya yet. We both acknowledged that things would shift and our emotional connections to our children would even out as needed.
The other day, Lily asked me about my milk (which she calls “elk”), indicating she’d like to see where it comes from. My midwife had told me that if Lily asked to nurse she was likely asking if it was forbidden to her, rather than expressing a real interest in nursing. Denying her would only lead to trouble, I concluded; so I showed her how the milk comes out and let her have a good look. “Do you want to nurse, Lily?” She nodded silently and leaned in, stopping herself short and grinning “no.” This morning, she laid herself out in Mark’s lap, in perfect nursing position, said, “elk!” and pulled up his shirt. She was ready to nurse, but from her daddy... a man practically devoid of nipples. He told her she’d have to go see mommy for that request. She didn’t. I love that she assumed she could get that from Mark. I love that they are so smitten with each other that she would think to ask. I don’t begrudge her not coming to me, I don’t mind the idea of tandem nursing, but damn would it be great if he could nurse Lily and I, Anya!
My emotions have been coming back online as of late (sometimes a bit too intensely) and I have had the pleasure of sitting in the big chair, Lily snuggled in my lap while she quietly sucks her thumb and twiddles my ear. She’s a wild child, but she also needs time to be wrapped up in her mother’s arms and I am happy to oblige when able. She still wants to cuddle with Mark first if he’s available, but I’m OK with that. I’m allowing her to shepard the way, showing me how to fall in love again and allowing her curiosity and affection for me to open my heart. It so often feels so very full, my heart, but my children constantly amaze me by showing that there is always room for just a little bit more.
