"Lily, say 'Mama'... say 'Mama', Lily"
Big grin, followed by a whispered "Dada"

Love that stuff. Funny as all get out.

Met our new nephew, Liam today. Lily likes Liam... wants to play with him. We brought up some dinner and visited for an hour or two before we had to get Lil home and into bed. He's a beautiful little boy, delicate little features and these sweet little sounds. Makes funny little "o" faces. Matthew is such the doting daddy; he already seems so comfortable with him and seems to be really loving every moment with his baby boy. Michelle seems to be recovering well. She's still having some pain and has to take it easy so as not to pull any stitches. She also seems to be settling into her motherhood role well... it suits her. They are already great parents, can't wait to see what kind of personality emerges and how the cousins will interact.

Ah yes, life is good.

We took Lily to the zoo for the first time today. She was pretty unimpressed. It was really hot and she was a sleepy baby because of the heat. But she kicked it in the stroller and grinned when we tipped it back and said HI. I was bad and gave her a taste of an icee... which only made her want more. Not nice, teasing the baby. We went into the petting zoo and only two goats we out roaming around. The rest were having some lunch. There was a black on having a rest in the middle of the yard and Lily and I bent down to say hello. Lily felt more comfortable "petting" it with her foot. She was very gentle, just seemed to think it was better to keep a bit of a distance from it. After a while, she did pet it a little, but again, pretty unimpressed. The other goat was trying to eat a chain, so we let it be. Walked around some and then sat and watched the primates play while Lily nursed. It was nice. Hot, but nice.

Didn't stay long as Mark has royally screwed up his back and while Dr. Joe told him to do some walking if he could, he was only up for so much. Had to bail out on work today, something that he hates to do, but it was going to be a day of heavy lifting, some deconstruction and wallpaper peeling... none of which feels good when your body is crooked.

Off for a nap. Lily was dead asleep when we got back and even transferred into the crib without a peep, so I think I will take a page from my daughters book and siesta through the heat.

Lily took three little steps today before plopping back onto her bum. And wouldn't you know it, she took them in the direction of our friend Nate. He'd come over to cut some Bamboo and then I made sandwiches and Margaritas... haven't had a drink of any kind in over two years and darnit all, I just wanted something cold and froofy. Made 'em good a weak. Very tasty. Anyway, we were all hanging out on the floor, watching Lil crawl around and being very very lazy. Lily stood up, I helped her balance and let go. I'm going with it being a moment of confidence rather than an extreme need to get to Nate. Although he's a pretty neat guy and she always lights up when she sees him, so I wouldn't be too surprised if it was all for love of that guy!

Big day for her. Three baby steps closer to walking and two new teeth.

Lily has TWO new teeth!

I guess all she wanted for May Day/Beltane was her two front teeth...

It was pointed out to me that the last couple of my posts have been in the vein of "OHMYGODIAMAMOM!!!!!!!!!!!" Can't argue with that, now can I? Yes, things have been hard lately. Mark is working WAY too much, I'm dealing with my own issues and Lily has two teeth coming in at once. And with the arrival of spring in our land, Lily and I are rubbing our noses and eyes and hoping that our heads don't explode.

Despite all this, life is good. Mark and I have this amazing daughter. We have an amazing marriage. We have an amazing home. Our trouble is that there is too much work, not too little, so at least we're not unemployed. We have this neat dog and kitty and not one, not two, but THREE working vehicles. Our fridge is full (as are our tummies). So you see, all the rest is just inconveniences. What's that old line: If your house is burning down or you have cancer, you have a problem; everything else is just an inconvenience.

So here it is, folks, in no particular order:
10 things I didn't know before I had my daughter:

1. Baby poop smells like hot cheerios.
2. Everything can be called "dadada", the cat, the couch, the remote control; it's all just "dadada."
3. A candle-lit bath with bubbles and soft music is nice, but a bath with a squirming ten-month-old who splashes and yells joyously at her toys is MUCH MUCH better.
4. Car rides are more fun with conversations like this: "Ah!" and then "AH AH!" and then "AH HA!" and so on and so forth until you're both giggling.
5. Babies never move so quickly as when they are headed somewhere they know is off limits or will cause them harm.
6. There is no end to snot. It flows like the river and is as endless as the sea.
7. I can do anything and so can my daughter.
8. Time speeds up as you get older, but MY GOD does it fly when you're rearing a child. Didn't I just give birth yesterday?
9. There is nothing in the world more beautiful than a man snuggled up in an oversized chair with his infant sleeping peacefully in his arms.
10. Just like snot, there is no end to love. It fills my heart, my soul, my being; it spills out from my fingertips and toes; it moves through me with such power and presence that it feels like drowning... you just can't breathe without taking more of it in.

So yes, OHMYGODIAMAMOM!!!!!!!!!!!
And yes, oh my sweet wonderful God, I am so lucky, blessed and honored to be a mom.

On Monday we went to Dr. Joe's (just like we do every week, Pinky) and Lily played with Carmella and had a great time. Thad came in and parked his bike against the wall, set his backpack next to it and ran upstairs for his adjustment. Lily was having a blast at our feet and we chatted with some of the other parents. Next thing I know, I look over and Lily is pulling Thad's bike over on top of her. In new mommy fashion, I FREAK and yell "Oh my God, Lily!" as I see my baby girl trapped under this thing. She takes one look at her panicking mom and starts hollering. Mark swoops her up before I can and as I am trying to grab her out of his arms he's calmly saying "Look at her, honey. Make sure she's OK" and all I want is to get her into my arms and nursing as quickly as humanly possible. I finally snatch her away from her very capable father, after determining that she's not broken or bleeding, sit into a chair and get her latched up. She's making all these little sad, scared noises as I whisper "It's OK, Lily" over and over and over...

Finally, she's doing fine, happily nursing and all calmed down. But there's crazy mom, stroking her hair (what there is of it), and still saying "It's OK, it's OK." Had to convince myself. It's funny, 'cause I don't think of myself as an over-protective mom. I let her put all sorts of stuff in her mouth, let her take risks, don't make people wash their hands before they come near her... etc. But the sight of that bike coming down on her, I just freaked. She's getting so mobile, it's only going to get worse. I guess this is where I learn that her responses to the world are often a mirror of my own. Yes, she still would have cried and been scared, but seeing me freak out sent her over the edge. Gotta love nursing, though; calmed us both right down. Ummmm, good hormones.

Matt and Michelle had baby Liam this morning! I have a new nephew. Want to take a look at him? CLICK HERE!

Yeah, totally at the end of our rope over here. I am an emotional zero these days and am frequently found rocking in the middle of the night, screaming baby in arms, tears coursing down my face and muttering, "I can't do this, I just can't DO this." I even threatened to run away last night. Mark put some Tylenol into her and that bought us about four hours of sleep, but then it started all over again. Putting her into another room isn't an option... if you've seen the house you know that. Besides, I can't just listen to her scream in another room. Must hold crying baby.

I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. That this behavior is related to a temporary need. She is teething or on the verge of a new skill. Yesterday at my moms, she let her fingers trail along the coffee table while she BIG stepped with her right foot and let the left catch up. Then another BIG step with her right, etc etc. In this manner she went around the table thrilled with herself. That's a lot to work out though, this walking business. Babies process all their crap at night (kinda like us adults).

If you awake in the middle of the night send us poor tired mommas some loving strength. We're needing that support right now!

An Open Letter to My Daughter, AKA Snot-Nose-Poopy-Pants

Dear Lily,

There are a few things I’d like you to know. And I don’t mean “know” I mean KNOW, deep down in your very being. Things that are important to me and should be important to you at one time in your life… although maybe not as you read this letter; I get that, people need different things at different times during their lives.

First off: You have ALWAYS been wanted. We wanted you the moment we looked into each others eyes, fell in love and said “yes.” We actively wanted you in December of 2001 and started trying with the New Year. It didn’t happen right away and sometimes this made me very sad. But then I started to see that you wanted to come to a mom that was ready for you. You needed a mom that wasn’t so stressed out because of a job that wasn’t right for her. You needed a mom that had time to sit with you in a chair and nurse. You needed a mom that was happy and ready to accept a whole new life. So, I quit my job and learned to slow down a little. Then I had to learn to accept that you would not come to me simply because I wished it so. I had to accept that you would come when you were ready. And so, we stopped “trying” and your dad and I just agreed to let it happen. Two weeks after that in October of 2002, you were conceived. We were thrilled, excited and amazed and haven’t stopped feeling all those emotions since.

Second: Your dad and I, we are flawed. Part of being human is making mistakes and having aspects of yourself that you will always need to work on. I’m terrible when it comes to patience. You’re probably saying, “No kidding, Mom!” Your dad, well he’s terrible at letters. No, strike that, he writes beautiful, soulful, funny letters that make you just want to kiss him… he just doesn’t write them often and even if he does, he’ll never get them into the mail! But that’s not the point. It’s important to remember that we’re going to make a lot of mistakes, but our intent will always be for your highest good.

A job isn’t WHO you are. It’s just what you do. We will never have these big expectations of you being a lawyer or a doctor or a teacher or whatever. We don’t think that way. We just want you to be happy. How you chose to make that happen for yourself is up to you. We expect you to be a responsible adult, but that doesn’t include some special formula of x-job and y-kids and yadda yadda yadda. Do what ever you want, just BE happy if you can!

Last, but certainly not least, know that we love you. And I’m not talking about any love you can understand until you have one of your own. I’m talking about a kind of love that is all consuming, permanent, makes you weep and laugh all at once, opens your heart, changes your world… it’s just so big. You just don’t know until you have a child how amazingly huge it is. The sacrifices we make in rearing you… they are not sacrifices. They are choices we make gladly and with an open heart. We could choose to parent differently, but it would be a lie. And I don’t want to lie to you. Not about this. Not about anything, really, but especially about this. We parent you the way we do because of that love. Know that.

Daddy is picking you up from Grandmas and you’ll be here soon. That means it’s time to make some dinner, fold your diapers, and get ready to welcome you home.

Don’t forget: I love you. You’re awesome.

Love,
Momma

Lily sleep crawled right off the bed last night. She had wormed her way up to the headboard and then turned west above my pillow. All a sudden I hear a thunk thunk thunk and before she started wailing had scooped her into my arms. Didn't know I could move that fast... although not fast enough to catch her before she landed on the dog bed. : ( At least she landed on something soft. Probably landed a bit on the dog as well, but by the time I got to her the dog had high-tailed it out of there least we think she was the one that made the baby cry.

Anyway, Mark (also moving at top speed) got a light on and we gave her a good once over, looking for signs of damage. Nothing, totally unharmed, other than a healthy dose of fear. She'll probably still throw herself off of stuff. After a little nursing, she feel back asleep and her wide-eyed parents turned out the lights and worked on getting back to sleep ourselves. Scared the crap out of us both. Maybe the mattress needs to go back on the floor.

She's working on words. Yesterday, Mark said "Yeah, that's a brush" and she looked at his mouth and said "Brrrra!" She says "Yeah" sometimes, not sure yet if it's actually an affirmative or just a sound. She babbles Dadadada like a madwoman, and sometimes gives me a mamama. While napping on my lap the other day, someone knocked on the door and made the dog bark. She sat up and said "Dad?" It's hard to know if these are words or sounds. I figure there will be a moment when it's just obvious: she'll say something and we'll get it. In the mean time, we're just enjoying listening to her babbles.

Tomorrow we go to Sarah's first birthday party. Then next month, Carmella turns one and THEN... scary thought coming up, brace yourself: Lily turns one. Totally freaks me out. I'm having a lot of "totally freaks me out" moments with this parenting thing. Have a feeling it's not going to stop.

Last night, as I worked on putting the baby to bed, Mark built us a nice little fire in our Chiminea out on the deck. Lily refused to go down (undoubtedly not wanting to miss the first outdoor fire in our new home) and so, I bundled her up and we three sat together in front of our happy little fire. Mark brewed a little tea and we sat in silence with occasional outburst from our curious little girl. The dog chuffed at shadows and the creatures that surround our home. The sky, clouded over and misty, caped the night with diffused light... our trees coming gently out of the dark to rustle softly at us. Maya kept testing her boundaries; first growling, then chuffing, then a light bark, followed by something more substantial... to which one of us would remind "Maya, no barking" and she'd dial it down a notch. Our property is full of life, creepy crawlers, skunks, coyote, dogs that run free, cats, gofers, birds that twitter throughout the night, things I have yet to see!

After a while, Lily started to wind down in her daddy's arms and he took her back downstairs to the cave. She settled to sleep easily and he returned to me, our fire, the chuffing dog and our warm mugs of tea. We sat and chatted, something that we forget to do with the constant chatter of the television in the evening. I forget what silence sounds like. Must turn that thing off more often and sit outside with my family.

Lily is growing so quickly, so ready to take those first steps or speak that first word. I feel like she may get away from us if we don't remember to slow down and just sit in front of a fire sometime. There are times when I want to just freeze her for a moment... just watch her in these perfect moments. Then I find myself so eager to hear what she has to say about the world, what she thinks about, what she feels. I can't wait to see her running across the yard, down the hillside and into the dry ravine. Is it possible to want her to never grow up and yet, be excited about her growing up all at the same time?

I don't know that I have ever felt so much in all my life. It's so wonderful and so intense and not like anything I could have expected.