Read an article today called Restoring Harmony by Abigail Warren. It talks about how a child needs a mother that is calm, centered and in control. A child pushes for control only to see if Momma will stand firm, because they need someone to show them how to interact in the world. Based on Jean Liedloff's book, The Continuum Concept (see The Liedloff Continuum Network - Home Page for more info) and Attachment Parenting, as well as reading up at AskDrSears.com, as well as a basic human instinct, we had decided to practice the "old way" of parenting and baby wear, co-sleep, cloth diaper, etc. Something that some people refer to as "Child Centered" Parenting. I have been somewhat confused on what this really means as far as my wants and needs. This article helped clear this up a bit. Reminded me of what Elizabeth and Dean are always saying "If Momma's not happy, nobody's happy". This doesn't mean that I need to be selfish or disregard Lily's needs. Rather, it reminds me that she picks up on the emotions I may think I can conceal from her. Just last week at the Birth Center the midwife was checking me out and discovered that I was going to need some help in healing from Lily's birth; that at over three months, I shouldn't be in such pain. So, as they were working on me, one of the other midwifes held Lily. I was doing my best to not show Lily that I was in pain, but she picked up on it anyway, looking intently at my face and staring into my eyes as if to ask me what was happening. Even my smile and reassuring words didn't work, she knew something was happening with me and wasn't sure how to react. Mark later pointed out that she listens to my breathing all the time and that a person in pain breathes very differently. I thought I could keep something like that from her, but the reality is that she lived inside me for almost a year and since then has spent a grad total of maybe 10 hours away from me. She knows me and I'd be a fool to try to convince her of something that is simply not true. I need to be happy in order to help her be happy. This is why, I think, kids become so angry when their parents marriage is suffering. Especially when their parents are trying to conceal the truth from them. You are showing them one thing and telling them another... it's confusing. So they act out.

The best thing I can do for my daughter is to live my life with honesty. Will this be hard for me to do? I don't know. I do know that if I am thinking about doing something like going back to school or getting a job or staying home or... (well you get the idea) then I need to explore these ideas so that I can be a happy Momma. I need to show my daughter what it is to live within your own skin and enjoy the fit. I need to show her what happiness is so that she may know how to have it in her own life. I need to encourage Mark to do the same (although he's already pretty good at it, as many men are!).

Wow. Didn't expect to have so much to say. Don't even know if I ended up saying what I started out to say. And now my beautiful daughter is fussing and I need a shower and I have laundry to finish... ah life!

Lily is much better this morning. She is still sleeping with the quilt our friends made for her resting across her body. The fever is down and she wasn't so restless last night. Yesterday at Dr. Joe's, Mark was holding her while I got my adjustment and she just cried and cried and cried. I had never heard her cry like that before and it scared me. Once I was done, I took her from Mark and she settled down. Usually, she's all about Mark in the evenings, but last night she only wanted her momma. Mark made dinner and cleaned up while I just held and held and held her. I wrapped her in her quilt last night and felt comforted by the thought of her body warmed by all those wishes and love that was drawn and then stitched into the blanket. Almost like the quilt has super powers! It can heal her, body, mind and spirit. We have the most amazing friends.

Lily's fighting something. She's been sleeping like a newborn, has a fever of about 101 and is really irritable. She's not nursing well (keeps pulling off, wailing, then takes two sucks, pulls off, etc) and keeps arching her back. My common sense says she's just got a touch of something, but since we still haven't picked a ped, I'm harboring visions of some horrid thing that would be obvious to a "real" doctor.

Talked to Heidi and she gave me some reassurance. If Lily's not better by the morrow, we'll try to get in to see someone.

I'm feeling painfully new to all this.

Lily's fighting something. She's been sleeping like a newborn, has a fever of about 101 and is really irritable. She's not nursing well (keeps pulling off, wailing, then takes two sucks, pulls off, etc) and keeps arching her back. My common sense says she's just got a touch of something, but since we still haven't picked a ped, I'm harboring visions of some horrid thing that would be obvious to a "real" doctor.

Talked to Heidi and she gave me some reassurance. If Lily's not better by the morrow, we'll try to get in to see someone.

I'm feeling painfully new to all this.

You awoke full of energy, wiggling like a little mad-woman, feet kicking, arms waving, full voice as you chattered away at the ceiling, at Daddy's back; squirming sideways in bed so that your crown was pressed to Daddy and your feet could kick at the air where Mommy had just been. I watched you from the bathroom mirror, giggling at you until my laughter woke your Dad and he rolled over, smiled at you and snuggled your crazy limbs close. On the changing table, your wiggling rose to gymnastics, back arching, legs firmly slamming to the surface while arms made manic circles in the air. Facing the wall you announced "ahhhh, ah OH!" with such joy and mouth open in a huge smile, enjoying being naked and clean. Your smile is infectious... it makes my whole body resonate with joy and I wonder how we ever got so lucky as to have you in our lives.

Just checked out a Chinese Gender Chart to see if it correctly predicted Lily's gender. She was conceived in October of my 27th year and low and behold, it says she was to be a she! Pretty nifty. I guess it had a 50/50 chance, so I shouldn't be so surprised. Still pretty nifty. Check it out and see if it's correct with your own children and let me know.

Your mom is so cruel.

Yesterday, we got up early and went to a La Leche League meeting in Chula Vista. From there, we went and had lunch with Dad, then to Costco and finally to Dr. Joe's where you wailed at me the whole time. I got the one minute adjustment so that you wouldn't have to be screaming in the car seat for too long. You only got a total of 1.5 hours of sleep through all of this... you usually get about five hours during the day (more or less). Ouch. Cranky girl. I was trying to get dinner together and clean up the kitchen while holding you in the sling, but you just wouldn't stop fussing. In desperation, I finally put you down in the cradle and walked away. You cried for about a minute or two, quickly turning into your exhausted cry and then dropped off to sleep for a couple of hours. We had an appointment to interview a pediatrician, but I called and rescheduled as I couldn't fathom putting you into the car again.

This morning, you awoke at 7am and nursed back to sleep within about an hour. You're still snoozing, the cat curled up at the end of the bed, keeping an eye on you. Dad and I were both up at 4am with a sick cat. Millie's food seems to go bad at a certain point and she can't seem to keep it down. It was actually kinda nice to have a few moments together in the middle of the night. You were sleeping (you'd nursed only an hour earlier and would nurse again in another hour) and once the cat was cared for, I looked at your dad and just enjoyed his profile in the dark. I love the quick little moments we share: a light touch from across the bed as you sleep soundly between us; both of us marveling at your beauty as we watch you sleep; a peck on the cheek as he walks past me, bouncing you in his arms; listening as you coo happily at your daddy and the joy in his voice as he replies with "I'm your daddy!" Life is so sweet with this sweet little girl!

Lily is sleeping. She's gotten really good at sleeping at night. We're up to regular eight hour stints. Never to sleep before 11pm, but usually stays asleep (except for an occasional snack) until about 7am. Having her in bed with us has made life so easy! I don't even really know how many times we nurse at night as it's become something we can do in our sleep! It'll be really nice when she's a bit more mobile and can latch herself on. She's getting so big and pudgy... up to about 12 pounds.

Whoops, figures she'd wake up just as I was talking about how great she sleeps! Mark is tending to her at the moment, but she's probably hungry.

OK, my little nursling is happily eating.

She's recently discovered her hands and spends most of her awake hours checking them out and trying to figure out how to suck her thumb. No luck, thus far. She keeps tucking in her thumb just as it gets close to her mouth. She's getting so interactive: smiling up at me as she nurses; cooing happily as we change a diaper; reaching and batting at hanging toys. She is so strong and prefers standing (with help) to sitting. What an amazing girl!

Had a party at Elizabeth & Dean's for my birthday this year (don't you just love them?) Kept it small and only invited a few people so I wouldn't do that stupid thing I do (which is worry about everyone else having a good time and end up having a crappy time myself). Vikki is taking off for three months in Chicago on Sunday, so she spent a good hour or so cuddling a sleeping Lily. We have a beautiful photo of her and Lil which I'll try to get on the website as soon as possible.

It was so nice to spend some time with everyone and just really enjoyed having a chance to catch up... and felt so loved!