Lily LOVED trick-or-treating. She would walk up to a door and bang on it, then hold out her pumpkin. When one lady bent down to say Hi, she set down her pumpkin and started handing candy to the lady. She was THRILLED with the whole process. We had a blast.

mosh

I have just been reminded by my MIL that I am a good mother, dammit! In fact, I'm a "twizzle" for thinking different! And she's right, I know I'm a good mom. I know that with me and Mark, Lily's life will be full of possibility, imagination, joy and promise. Do I sometimes get a little crazy? Uh, yeah! I'll blame it all on pregnancy hormones. Everything makes me want to cry and well, sometimes I just go for it!

On another note, Eminem( that's right, you heard me) has a new video out right now, that you might want to see... mosh. A bold political move on the eve of the election. The man is forming an army of angry young people and telling them the way to battle is to... VOTE! I love it. And while I'm not a big fan of the artist I am deeply impressed with what this video does to mobilize young people to vote (and since I agree that Bush needs to go...).

OK, in need to breakfast. Thank you, Heidi for the reminder and go check out the video!

Go to bed, silly head.

Feeling a little better today. Mark nudged me into a good cry by wrapping his arms around me and asking, "are you OK?" We talked some and I sobbed some and we're all OK. Just need to give myself space to be what I am and what he is and what Lil is... etc. Part of me is mourning that I'm not Lily's favorite these days. But she spends all of her time with Mark, so of course he's the bomb. And Mark pointed out that he's been putting Lily to bed since she was two-months-old, so she's used to having her dad to tuck her in. With me, she wants to play and have contact and be silly. Not to good for getting the girly to bed, eh? So I take a deep breath, move forward and try to remember what it is to just be.

My life is good. My life is amazing. Remind me of that when I freak out.

suck it up.

I can't do this. I am totally being swallowed up by my obsessive guilt over my inability to parent. I don't know what Lily needs, and yet, Mark takes one look at her and can figure it out. I spend a whole day with her and I feel worn out and frustrated from not knowing what to do. I am allowing my need for food to supersede her needs, finding myself saying "Mommy NEEDS to eat!" How am I going to do this with two? What happened to maternal instinct or intuition or the special bond a mother has with her kids? I'm just the lady with the num nums most of the time. Daddy is the coolest guy in the world. Mark can handle all of it and I am feeling more and more like a loser for even feeling this way. Is my daughter going to look back at this and think I'm a total idiot? Will she maybe be going through the same thing with her own children? Will she turn out to be the best mom in the world and just think I couldn't have loved her enough?

Every time I think like this, I just tell myself to suck it up. Get yourself on track and do your job, you big whiner. But I feel like I am drowning here. I have fleeting moments where I actually think of running away. Where? I donno. But somewhere where I can just sit and be adequate. Maybe that's why I'm enjoying being back at work. At least at the Globe, I know my shit.

But then. But then. But then I look back over the last year and a half and I see this amazingly beautiful, smart, funny, happy kid and I know I can't be doing this all wrong. I know that a lot of her fabulousness has to do with having a great father, but some of it... it has to come from me, right? If I was a total loser, it would show on her.

I just have to find some peace with this. I just have to figure out how to be a mom, whatever that means to me. I have to stop trying to live outside of this moment. I have to accept that I am deeply flawed and am growing another human being, while trying to rear another one. Despite the fact that Mark is not the kind to coddle, and in fact, would probably just tell me in his matter-of-fact way to suck it up, I am weak right now. I am tired and hormonal and I am doing a level of molecular biology that he will NEVER be able to do. I have to not allow myself to feel guilt over needing things. I have to realize that it's ok to be weak sometimes; I don't always have to be the tomboy.

I'm just so... so... defeated right now. I am just so... so... afraid of screwing this all up. I remember when I was in labor with Lily, I turned to Mark and I said "I can't do this!" and he told me that I already was. I can't do this. And yet, I am. How do you make peace with that? How do you DO this? And why can’t I figure it out?

More than just me

I had forgotten how once you are carrying a new baby, your life ceases to be your own. Suddenly, every single decision you make about your body profoundly impacts another being... a child you can't wait to hold in your arms. Shall I have a Chai Tea Latte? Well, seeing how caffeine restricts blood flow to a developing fetus, I'm going to have to say no. Sure, it probably wouldn't hurt to have one every once in a while, but do I really want to test the theory? I'm still occasionally agonizing over the fact that I had a couple of drinks before I knew I was pregnant. I am more afraid of having a car accident... one worse than the simple fender bender I was in when pregnant with Lily. I think about the night we had to spend in the ER for what was a minor thing, but had me panicked because I was carrying this little stranger I was already totally in love with. I think about the fact that I am working full time now and don't have the luxury of a nap when I want it or sleeping in every day. Even without the job, I'd have to care for Lily if I was home. I simply cannot be as selfish as I could with Lily.

And yet, I must take care of myself. I must nap when I can and eat good food and dream about the beautiful child I have yet to meet. I want nothing more than to hold the perfect child I dream of. It's so much to take in sometimes. So much to try to get your brain around. Ah well, it's what we do.

Six weeks along and already looking fat! Course, that could have something to do with the fact that I haven't lost all my Lily weight...

Oh, and everyone say Hi to Millie the cat.

Miss Crazy Pants

Miss Crazy Pants cracks me up. Every time she starts to get tired, so turns into this drunken, crazy pants girl. Stumbling around, falling into things and laughing wildly. She has taken to beating me up a bit during this phase. If I'm laying on the floor, she fall on top of me, flail her arms and kick her legs, laughing and shouting, steam rolling me. We keep trying to get her to realize she needs to be gentle; she doesn't do this stuff to Mark. In fact, Mark tells me that he doesn't "allow" her to do it, as though I am somehow inviting this. Boys can be so silly.

On another note, she's been sleeping in her bed rather than the crib. She'll wake up in the morning and climb down, go knock on her door. The other day Mark was sleeping up in her room and she got out of the bed and went to her door, so he opened it. Then across the bridge to the living room door, so he opened that. Straight through the living room to the front door, so he opened THAT one. Right on out the front door and almost all the way to the car before she realized she was barefoot and her feet felt funny. He thinks that when she finally woke all the way up. Silly Miss Crazy Pants.





Love her.